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Old 10-20-2010, 07:57 AM
AndyJP AndyJP is offline

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Here is a short story I wrote about Gazlowe in love, featuring all your Ratchet pals!

"You gawkin' at that Orc broad again, Gazlowe? Boss, she'd chew you up and spit out a Gnome."

Her name is Freka Bloodaxe, and I ain't never seen a woman glow like she does. She's been stayin' in town the past few days, helpin' anyone who promised her some coin. A woman after my own heart.

"Shut your face, Vazario! I ain't lookin' just... admirin' the lady is all," I tell him. He looks at me unconvinced. Wait a sec, who is this greasy chump to demand any explanation from me? "Now get back to work on those rocket boots, Revilgaz is expecting a shipment soon and Gazlowe always keeps his word!" He mumbles something to himself and then returns to his work. I ain't paying him if he ain't gonna keep busy.

I freeze up as she walks towards me. Propping her blood-soaked axe against the wall and resting her damaged armor on the floor, Freka acknowledges me with a simple grunt. She smells a little like dead tallstrider, and there's some blood, guts, and what-not in her hair, but she still makes my heart want to leap outta my chest. Play it cool, Gazlowe.

"I have a gift for you..." she says, while holding something behind her back. I smile widely, but then a little less, 'cause I don't wanna look too obvious. When a goblin wants to woo another goblin, they usually bring a gift of treasure, typically coin or gems... Treasure being the greatest gift a goblin can give to another, except their heart... I guess. It's usually the fellas trying to impress the girl, but since I am somewhat of a celebrity, I'm the one that's always being showered with offerings. I've had to turn down every dame so far, but this gal is different. Peddlefeet's been workin' his magic, no doubt.

"For.. meee?" I didn't mean to sound that stupid. Good grief, Gazlowe, pull yourself together!

"Uhh, yeah.." she says. She produces a human head from behind her back. She holds it up by the hair, while the neck still dribbles a little blood on my floor. I can clean that up later. I mean, I can have Vazario clean that up later. The fixed eyes on the decapitated head look upwards at me while the tongue sticks out a bit, if I didn't know better I'd say the Human is making fun of me.

I give her another dopey smile as she looks at me and then back at the head in utter confusion. "Well...? Is this Baron Longshore or not?"

"Oh... oh, right. That's uhh, that's the guy. That would be him. Ol' Baron Longshore... hehe." I really can't believe I am still talking.

"Well, I would like my reward. This wasn't easy. He was heavily guarded," she tells me. Yeah yeah, I am glad to see the pirate dead. But my mind has been fixated on only one thing lately.

I reach into my coin sack for the reward. I know there's some silver in there somewhere, but it seems the universe hid it from me beneath all the gold to extend this awkward moment. She looks at me like I am intentionally wasting her time. I chuckle a little in my embarrassment and she almost smiles at me. Well, more of a half-smile anyways. After a few minutes of fumbling around I find all eight coins.

"Here we are. Eight silver pieces for the brave pirate slayer!" She glares at me. My mind demands I stop smiling like an idiot. She hands me the head as I pay her the coins. I never know what to do with a decapitated head. I hold it up and move it's lips as I try my best human accent, "I ain't got no boooooody!" She looks at me like I am the dumbest Goblin in the room.

I place the severed head of Baron Longshore on my desk and use his mouth as a holder for my coin sack. She shakes her head in disapproval and walks down the stairs to Gagsprocket. "My armor suffered damage in the fight against the pirates, can you repair it?" she asks. The engineering vendor nods his head and places her armor on to the anvil to examine it's cracks and tears.

"Yeah, I can fix it. That'll be eight silver coins, miss," says Gagsprocket. She sighs and hands him the eight silver I rewarded her with. I admit our prices are a little steep but we do real quality work here in Ratchet, I swear!

She was visibly upset, I had to say something. "Wait, wait! She killed Longshore, give her a discount!"

Gagsprocket protests, "A discount!? You serious, boss?"
"Of course I'm serious you big-eared baffoon!"

He pouts and offers her a new price, "Alright alright geez, it's 7 silver and 60 copper." Somehow that didn't impress Freka. I knew I had to do something bold, really bold.

"Wait, wait! Let me cover the bill!" My engineering apprentices look at me with profound astonishment in their eyes. Vazario Linkgrease faints on top of his assortment of bolts and screws. I know, I know... I used to be on a sapper team but I ain't never done anything this crazy.

She looks up at me and smiles from ear to ear. I felt really warm and had those butterflies in my stomach. I try to smile back, but my mouth is half-open and I forgot how to close it. She salutes me and says, "Thank you, Gazlowe." Hot diggety, she said my name!

Gagsprocket reluctantly repairs her armor while thinking I don't hear him cursing my name beneath his breath. I watch her check in with the innkeeper for the night. That means she will be staying here another day. I know there's only so much a young adventurer like herself can do around here before you start to get bored, so I best make my move soon... ehh but not too soon either, don't wanna look too desperate. For the rest of the day I had a spring in my step, and I ain't talking 'bout the spring in my boots neither.

~
"GAZLOWE DID WHAT!?" I hear Grazlix yell from across the town. Word traveled fast and by morning I had every Goblin in Ratchet inside my shop staring at me like I kissed a Gnome.

"What?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

"You know what!" says Liz Rizzlefix. They all glare at me with the same look of contempt in their eyes, demanding an explanation for breaking the most important goblin edict.

"Alright, look guys, I wasn't really gonna have the armor fixed free of charge. I was just gonna take it out of Vazario's pay." I said while backed into a corner.

Vazario uncrosses his arms. "Hey, wait a minute!"

"What has gotten into you, Gazlowe?" asks Liz Rizzlefix. She seems to think she's important here ever since she became Rivetseeker's apprentice.

Peaved, Vazario steps forth and spills the beans to everyone. "I'll tell you what has gotten into him," he says smugly, "Gazlowe is in looove with some Orc dame!" They all gasp as Vazario glances back at me with a smirk on his face.

"Aw, that's cute. LEAVE OUR COIN OUT OF IT!" demands Rizzlefix. That broad really grinds my gears! Who does she think she is talkin' to me like this? No wonder Marvon Rivetseeker never comes back to Ratchet. "Besides, what makes you think an Orc would fall for a Goblin anyway?" she says to me, "You're a short, fat, big-eared oaf who couldn't take a candle from a kobold!"

At this point, my head start's blazin' and I really wanna give this broad the ol' what for. Ehh, but maybe she's right. I am probably in way over my head. Freka wouldn't notice me if I sat my hair on fire, and girls usually notice when part of me is on fire! Aw, who am I kiddin'?

"All of you need to shut up and get back to work!" I proclaim. The crowd disperses and I walk away from the shop feeling dozens of eyes stabbing me in the back. Feeling alone and confused, I find some shade to sit under. One of my good Orc friends, Drohn the Brewmaster comes over to visit with me. I met him in Orgrimmar, a real classy Orc whose drinks will put hair on your chest and cause temporary blindness.

"Would you like something to drown your sorrows with?" he asks, putting a flask in my face that smells of kodo fart.

"No, friend, I'm afraid not even the legendary Pandarian brew can cheer me up." I tell him. He hears the sadness in my voice and sits down next to me.

"A copper for your thoughts, friend?" He asks me.
"What? No." I reply.
"It's... just an expression that the Humans use." he says.
"Oh... Drohn, what do you know about Orc women?" I ask.

He looks at me coldly and replies, "I do nothing but drink all day, why would I know anything about women?" I sigh. His face lightens up and he smacks me on the back playfully. He may have knocked a rib loose. "I am just kidding my friend. What is it that you wish to know?"

"You know that one that's been staying at the inn lately?" I ask.
Drohn looks over at the inn and thinks for a moment. "The one with her axe always stained with blood?" he queries.

"Yeah, that's her. I think I might be in love with her." It felt easier to confess than I thought it would be. "But everytime I am near her I always act stupid. I'm rich, i'm famous, I got my own town, I'm disease-free, what more could a gal ask for?"

"I'm afraid you can't buy her affection with treasure, friend. If you wish to win her over, you will have to start thinking like an Orc."

"Aw great, I'm going to have to maim a human or something, ain't I?" I asked jokingly, but Drohn seemed to be considering that as a good option. Us Goblins can be vicious fighters if we need to be, but time spent fighting is time spent not making money. Unless we are fighting for money.

"Our women are most impressed by acts of bravery and power on the battlefield..." Drohn says while he looks me over, unable to imagine me being brave or powerful. "But maybe that isn't your... style." He pauses in thought for a moment. He leans over to me and whispers, "If you want, I can poison her drink."

"No, no, no! I want her to really like me." I said. The wheels in my head start to run, thinking he may be on to something with what he said... the other thing he said, I mean. "I may not have the strongest muscles, but I got brains! If it's a little ruthless aggression that she wants, then that's what she'll get!"

I sprint back to my shop with a march of determination and immediately begin helping myself to some spare parts from Vazario's cache of inventions. I tinker for hours with a new weapon that will impress any Orc with it's display of raw, unrelenting brutality. What's more macho than a goblin with an enormous gun twice his size? A goblin with an enormous gun twice his size that launches explosive bombs, that's what!

After I accidentally blew up the workshop, I fine-tuned the weapon so that it uses smaller bombs with greater accuracy and less collateral damage. Aw yeah, Freka is gonna love this!

I heard the elf near the inn going on and on about Northwatch Hold so I figured that's where she'd be heading. I followed behind her with my new invention in hand. I named it the Gazlowe Gun. I might come up with a more clever name at a later time. It was heavy to tote around, but it was my only chance to impress Freka, so it was worth it.

I found her grouped up with an Elf killing humans near the entrance to the fort. I didn't think he would be competition because he was wearing a dress and fighting with a wand. I got into position and aimed my bomb launcher at her Human attacker. A bomb launches out and the kick-back knocks me to the ground. I quickly jump back to my feet and see the human explode into tiny bits and pieces. As she wipes the guts and blood from her face she looks back and sees me. I celebrate and give her a thumbs up.

She says something to the Elf before continuing on, but I am too far away to hear anything. Probably something to the effect of how badass I look. I also might now be deaf. I follow behind them at a distance, eliminating threat after threat so she won't have to. They stop and walk over to me. This is it! I prop my gun on the ground and lean on it, trying to look cool. This moment would have been perfect had I only remembered to wear my awesome tankatronic goggles.

"What are you doing?" She asks. In my mind I thought she would be all over me by now.

"Oh I was just in the neighborhood blastin' some humans, and thought you two lovely ladies could use a little help out here." was my sauve reply.

The Elf grunts, "Do I LOOK like a lady to you!?" I swear for my first years I thought elves were a race of amazon women.

Freka replies sternly, "I prefer to meet my challenges in face to face combat, I would never kill my challengers from a distance in such a dishonorable fashion." My heart sinks and my frustration begins to boil over. How can she not notice everything I have done for her? I robbed my best friend, ate all of his food and blew up his house just so I could create a weapon to kill humans in order to get her to like me! How can she not see that?

She walks away with the elf chick, leaving me feeling like a jackass. Well I give up! I don't know what else to do. I throw my gun to the ground and it shatters into pieces. It's a good thing I didn't take another shot with that fragile piece of junk. "Damn it!" I shout. "Damn it, damn it, damn it. I knew I shouldn't have taken advice from that Brewmaster! He smells like vomit and urine all day and no woman will even go near him!" She hears me and turns around.

"What are you-" I interrupt her mid-sentence. I am angry and tired of her thinking she is too good for me so now I'm gonna let her have it!

"Now you listen to me, lady! I am Gazlowe, master engineer! I don't need to impress you or anybody! I'm rich, famous, a fantastic dancer and you don't deserve a guy like me! You're just a stuck-up, self-centered, crazy bitc-"

I woke up from a coma three days later under Drohn's tent feeling like a kodo had sat on my head. Based on his black, swollen eye I figure he got a bit of Freka's fury as well. He gives me a sly grin as he sees that I have woken up. "So, how did it go?" he asks.

"I hate you, Drohn." I reply. He laughs and hands me a cup of stormstout. This time I welcome the ale to kill the pain and help me forget this whole mess ever happened. I think about all the women I have turned down while I foolishly believed that there was someone special out there for me. Love just ain't made for guys like me. I'm not getting any younger, perhaps it is best I just settle for someone... anyone.

I rub my eyes. Either the effects of this brew kicks in really fast or she is really standing behind Drohn and smiling at me. "Our cultures are really different, and I didn't understand at first that what you did for me in your workshop was so... unheard of by your kind. Now that I look back on it, it was really sweet." she says, "And the way you talked to me, well I just assumed that you were 'not right' in the head..."

"Ah.." was the only reply I could muster.

"Your friend explained everything to me. The feelings that you have for me, how you were trying to impress me. After I punched him in the head, it got me thinking about how no one else has ever gone through so much just to get my attention. You are a good guy, Gazlowe." she says. I don't feel the pain anymore and I feel as though I am floating above the ground. I'm not sure how much of it is the ale and how much of it is love but I feel pretty good right about now.

"Soo.. you thinkin' about stayin' in Ratchet a bit longer?" I ask.

She kneels down in front of me and places her hands in her lap. I really hope she isn't about to sock me again. She smiles and looks off in the distance saying "A troubled Orc has come to me asking for help in locating his missing wife. Once I find some sign of her, I think I'll come back to Ratchet for a while." She takes my hand in her own and looks me straight in the eyes. "That is of course if you promise to stop trying to impress me and just be yourself." I simply nod and wave goodbye to her as she rides away on a wyvern.

I eagerly await my beloved's return. It has been two weeks, I hope she didn't get lost!
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Old 10-20-2010, 08:38 AM
Rashid Rashid is offline

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"I robbed my best friend, ate all of his food and blew up his house just so I could create a weapon to kill humans in order to get her to like me!"

That was a fun read... refreshing and quirky. Nice job, sir.
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:40 PM
Aberka Aberka is offline

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Funny stuff man. Love to read some more of the adventures.
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:31 PM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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Where to begin...

The single biggest problem is the lack of delineation. What I mean is your story left me wondering what was plot vs. dialogue vs. thought. I know these lines can become blurred in first-person perspective, but keep track of them. Tradtionally, thought is itallicized, for example.

Second, watch your past/present tense. That's what's most confusing about the plot/thought determination. Thought would be Gazlowe's in-the-moment thought, but plot is (I presume) his later reflections. There needs to be an obvious difference.

I must also inquire as to why you chose a well-established lore character to be the main in a comedy. This could've worked with any reasonably senior Goblin.

Now, there were a few things I actually liked. Your portrayal of the cultural misunderstanding is very good, and you leveraged it for laughs like a pro. The pacing is outright excellent: the plot unfolds at a slow, steady pace, and the gags come at regular intervals rather than clusters.

In summary, a short little story that successfully brought a smile to my face. I just want to ask, did you really look up the reward for killing Baron Longshore? (Major brownie points if you did!) And Gazlowe does realize that finding Mankirk's Wife takes years, doesn't he? (Assuming she didn't go insane from using Barrens Chat.)

EDIT: I sound like Roger Ebert. Should I be ashamed?
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Old 10-20-2010, 03:10 PM
AndyJP AndyJP is offline

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Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
Where to begin...

The single biggest problem is the lack of delineation. What I mean is your story left me wondering what was plot vs. dialogue vs. thought. I know these lines can become blurred in first-person perspective, but keep track of them. Tradtionally, thought is itallicized, for example.

Second, watch your past/present tense. That's what's most confusing about the plot/thought determination. Thought would be Gazlowe's in-the-moment thought, but plot is (I presume) his later reflections. There needs to be an obvious difference.

I must also inquire as to why you chose a well-established lore character to be the main in a comedy. This could've worked with any reasonably senior Goblin.

Now, there were a few things I actually liked. Your portrayal of the cultural misunderstanding is very good, and you leveraged it for laughs like a pro. The pacing is outright excellent: the plot unfolds at a slow, steady pace, and the gags come at regular intervals rather than clusters.

In summary, a short little story that successfully brought a smile to my face. I just want to ask, did you really look up the reward for killing Baron Longshore? (Major brownie points if you did!) And Gazlowe does realize that finding Mankirk's Wife takes years, doesn't he? (Assuming she didn't go insane from using Barrens Chat.)

EDIT: I sound like Roger Ebert. Should I be ashamed?
Thanks for the advice, I'd never written in first person before. I wrote this several months ago, but I am positive that is the actual reward. I prefer using lore characters than made up ones, everyone in the story are real npcs (except the unnamed elf). If I remember right, Freka Bloodaxe is one of the Horde champions at the Argent Tournament. I just liked the name. I chose Gazlowe because he worked with Orcs so maybe it would be more believable that he would find one attractive.

Thanks everyone.
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:41 PM
Bolvar Bolvar is offline

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Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
Where to begin...

The single biggest problem is the lack of delineation. What I mean is your story left me wondering what was plot vs. dialogue vs. thought. I know these lines can become blurred in first-person perspective, but keep track of them. Tradtionally, thought is itallicized, for example.

Second, watch your past/present tense. That's what's most confusing about the plot/thought determination. Thought would be Gazlowe's in-the-moment thought, but plot is (I presume) his later reflections. There needs to be an obvious difference.

I must also inquire as to why you chose a well-established lore character to be the main in a comedy. This could've worked with any reasonably senior Goblin.

Now, there were a few things I actually liked. Your portrayal of the cultural misunderstanding is very good, and you leveraged it for laughs like a pro. The pacing is outright excellent: the plot unfolds at a slow, steady pace, and the gags come at regular intervals rather than clusters.

In summary, a short little story that successfully brought a smile to my face. I just want to ask, did you really look up the reward for killing Baron Longshore? (Major brownie points if you did!) And Gazlowe does realize that finding Mankirk's Wife takes years, doesn't he? (Assuming she didn't go insane from using Barrens Chat.)

EDIT: I sound like Roger Ebert. Should I be ashamed?
You should be a professional editor or writing coach.

This is really good feedback. And it's not even my story.
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:48 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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I used up all my brain juices at work today, so no helpful feedback here. I agree that it was a fun read but the first person did confuse me a bit, lack of concentration on my part. But keep at it, I love the characterization.
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Old 10-20-2010, 05:09 PM
Bolvar Bolvar is offline

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I used up all my brain juices at work today, so no helpful feedback here. I agree that it was a fun read but the first person did confuse me a bit, lack of concentration on my part. But keep at it, I love the characterization.
Nice image.



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Old 11-01-2010, 01:20 AM
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nice little story you've got here. It was really fun to read and squeezed a few laughs out of me. Cheers !
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Old 11-06-2010, 01:18 AM
AndyJP AndyJP is offline

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Thank you everyone.
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Old 11-06-2010, 06:19 AM
Royalpimp Royalpimp is offline

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This is one of the funniest and entertaining stories I've ever had the pleasure of reading. At first I thought it'd be boring when I saw it was with goblins, but now I congratulate myself from reading it all - totally worth it.

Loved that you used Gazlowe, he's my favorite goblin of all time, wouldn't have been as funny for me if you hadn't, and using real npc's is just awesome and just makes it more 'realistic' to me.

Hope to see more.
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