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Old 12-20-2017, 08:49 PM
Mutterscrawl Mutterscrawl is offline

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Runes Where've you been?

Background: Between the end of the Cataclysm expansion (Pandaria Beta Technically) and the announcement for Battle for Azeroth I've been unsubbed. I'd Rp'd fairly sporadically prior to that, and I hope to eventually get back into RP once I've gotten a few of my characters caught back up ingame, but I thought it might be fun to write a vignette looking at where a few of my characters had been in the meantime.


Story:
When he had been ordered to Pandaria to aid in the battle with the Alliance, Vaorne Skytotem had left his post stoking flames in the watchtowers of Warsong Hold eagerly. Now his hooves slid in the muddy grass of the Jade Forest as the Zandalari Warbringer's blade slammed against against his shield, driving him back towards the cliffs. Rain poured down through the clouds above the Jade Forest, soaking the combatants as they moved out of the cover of the canopy. The troll's direhorn thundered through the forest not far from them, grinding the shaman's earth elemental to dust, leaving the troll and the tauren to duel atop the wet, crumbling, stone.

Vaorne grit his teeth, swinging his axe desperately, the blade catching on the troll's bracer as the warbringer raised an arm to block with a harsh metallic thunk.

"Rrrhugh!" The grey skinned warrior grunted and stabbed his sword forward, cutting an ugly gash into the tauren's chest as he rushed the troll, goring the Zandalari in the chest with his horns and cutting his axe into the troll's rocky shoulder. For a moment, the shaman though he might have a chance... before feeling the troll drive his knee into the shaman's gut, and the troll's fist crashed into his chest, sending him sprawling.

He landed hard on his side and sputtering blood over the cliff's edge. The Warbringer stepped closer, raising his blade, lightning crackling down its length as a thin veil of clouds spread out across the cliff's edge. Vaorne's lungs strained to pull in a breath as he lifted his head, grasping blindly, his axe was still in the troll's shoulder.

As the thundering crash of the troll's blade fell, the shaman raised a hand, letting out one last defiant shout as the blinding flash of lightning poured from the heavens. "For The Horde!"


-----


Vaorne's world was nothing but a dull blur. Pain wracked his body in waves. Everything was wet. There was a muffled noise far in the distance, but as he tried to tilt his head, to blink and clear his vision, a fresh wave of agony rolled over him and sent him mercifully into unconscious oblivion...

He would wake to a familiar voice, and the unmistakable low growling of an annoyed raptor.

"NO! Bad Raptor! Bad Roxy! That-Fish-Is-Not-For-You!"

"Hrrnnngh?" The tauren tried to turn his head, and was rewarded with a fresh wave of throbbing dizziness as his horn scraped the wooden floor... and the sight of a raptor with a scaly fish in its mouth, a goblin desperately hanging onto the other end of his catch as he's dragged through the grass towards the hut the shaman found himself in.

"Come on! Why're you being so- eh?" Wrex Rocketfeller blinked, tilting his head to look past his stubborn pet and releasing his prize with a gasp. "WUH! Hey, Inky! Sky's awake! Tell the elf I win the bet!" A flurry of voices rise up, just out of the tauren's sight, he couldn't quite make them out as his vision blurred, a tightness in his chest as he rolled onto his back, painless unconsciousness taking him once more.

Two voices grated on the tauren’s awareness, dredging him from miring unconsciousness. Slowly, he opened his mouth, but found his jaw stiff and sore, a soundless croak rattling in his throat.

“I’m telling you he was awake!”

“Well he’s not awake NOW.”

“Oughhh...” The tauren managed a low groan as he sucked in a long, pained breath.

Wrex grinned, stepping into view over him. “Actually, he is! So HAH! Pay up!” The goblin glanced down, genuine concern flooding his face as his ears drooped. “Also uh, how ya feeling bud? Thanks for hangin’ in there, you were out for awhile. Ya need anything? Fluff yer pillow? Glass of-”

“Wa-ter.” The shaman croaked impatiently.

“Right right! Had to funnel yer meals to ya for awhile so your throat’s probably all chewed up.” The goblin pours a cup from a nearby jug, then blinks, and simply tips the whole jug towards Vaorne’s maw, as he gulps, slowly at first, but then sputtering a bit as his throat seized up.

“Easy now, don’t survive getting blown off a cliff and then drown having your first drink.” The raspy voice belonged to a forsaken wrapped in grey cloth, leaning down over the bedridden shaman. The goblin lifted the pitcher back as the decrepit priest looked over the tauren slowly. “Hmnn... try to speak.”

Frustrated and confused, but too tired to argue with his old friend, Vaorne tensed... but felt it now, he couldn’t move the left half of his face.

“Mn, less than ideal but better than I’d thought. Move your eyebrows... good, now breathe in through your mouth. Mn, now the nose...”

The shaman furrowed his brow at the corpse, struggling to sit before the feeling of hot spikes being driven through his back collapsed him upon the floor once more.

“Easy! You’re not going to be up for awhile.” The forsaken lifted a small mace from his hip and waved it over his companion, wincing a bit as golden light slowly pulsed from it and grey flame sizzled from the corpse’s grip.

“Oh why torture yourself, just use your shadow magics, not that old relic.” The blood elf grumbled as he stepped into view, dropping a bag of gold into the goblin’s hand. Unlike the tightly wrapped forsaken or the fervent goblin, the elf looked haggard, Vaorne almost let out a chuckle seeing the warlock in such a state, but it came out as a hoarse cough.

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Last edited by Mutterscrawl; 12-20-2017 at 10:05 PM..
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:10 PM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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I generally don't do this anymore; but since I happen to be extremely bored tonight, I made some notes on your story.

As the primary comment on the first scene, be careful about cramming too much into one sentence. Music teachers often warn about the counterintuitive tendency to play fast passages too fast and slow passages too slow, which occurs because the energy of the song overtakes you. Writing is much the same way. When the action is moving fast, the energy of the scene pushes you to throw out information as quickly as possible; but you end up stumbling over yourself because it's coming too fast. This is why it's a good idea to go back and read things you've written out loud: it really helps to get the flow working. If you notice, thrillers tend to use short, simple sentences to keep the tension up.

Second, there was a spot near the beginning when you said "Jade Forest" really close together. It gets redundant.

The second scene is much better -- aside from a few cases of present tense. My main criticism is why you chose to end the scene -- to say nothing of the story -- at the place you did. What's the point of Vaorne being rescued by what I presume are old friends if we don't find out what they've been up to? Why does our Sin'dorei warlock look so tired?

At the very least, it would be helpful to end the scene at the punchline. Extending things into the failed laugh makes it feel like there's supposed to be more.
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Old 01-20-2018, 03:02 PM
Slowpokeking Slowpokeking is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
I generally don't do this anymore; but since I happen to be extremely bored tonight, I made some notes on your story.

As the primary comment on the first scene, be careful about cramming too much into one sentence. Music teachers often warn about the counterintuitive tendency to play fast passages too fast and slow passages too slow, which occurs because the energy of the song overtakes you. Writing is much the same way. When the action is moving fast, the energy of the scene pushes you to throw out information as quickly as possible; but you end up stumbling over yourself because it's coming too fast. This is why it's a good idea to go back and read things you've written out loud: it really helps to get the flow working. If you notice, thrillers tend to use short, simple sentences to keep the tension up.

Second, there was a spot near the beginning when you said "Jade Forest" really close together. It gets redundant.

The second scene is much better -- aside from a few cases of present tense. My main criticism is why you chose to end the scene -- to say nothing of the story -- at the place you did. What's the point of Vaorne being rescued by what I presume are old friends if we don't find out what they've been up to? Why does our Sin'dorei warlock look so tired?

At the very least, it would be helpful to end the scene at the punchline. Extending things into the failed laugh makes it feel like there's supposed to be more.
Why did you stop to do it? Your advice is usually very helpful.
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Old 01-20-2018, 03:22 PM
Mutterscrawl Mutterscrawl is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
I generally don't do this anymore; but since I happen to be extremely bored tonight, I made some notes on your story.

As the primary comment on the first scene, be careful about cramming too much into one sentence. Music teachers often warn about the counterintuitive tendency to play fast passages too fast and slow passages too slow, which occurs because the energy of the song overtakes you. Writing is much the same way. When the action is moving fast, the energy of the scene pushes you to throw out information as quickly as possible; but you end up stumbling over yourself because it's coming too fast. This is why it's a good idea to go back and read things you've written out loud: it really helps to get the flow working. If you notice, thrillers tend to use short, simple sentences to keep the tension up.

Second, there was a spot near the beginning when you said "Jade Forest" really close together. It gets redundant.

The second scene is much better -- aside from a few cases of present tense. My main criticism is why you chose to end the scene -- to say nothing of the story -- at the place you did. What's the point of Vaorne being rescued by what I presume are old friends if we don't find out what they've been up to? Why does our Sin'dorei warlock look so tired?

At the very least, it would be helpful to end the scene at the punchline. Extending things into the failed laugh makes it feel like there's supposed to be more.

This is really excellent advice, I appreciate it, I want to edit and continue this but with settling into my condo soaking up most of my time, I'm afraid it'll be shelved for a bit T.T
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