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Old 06-01-2012, 07:30 PM
Xilizhra Xilizhra is offline

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Default Champions of the Frozen Wastes (title subject to change)

This is more of a prologue than a full chapter. I may be posting this prematurely, but I'd like to have something finished that I can show you, to see if I have any style or other concerns that I need to be aware of now, before I can begin going into the meat of the story. Also, if there's anyone here who'd be willing to beta read for me, I would be extremely thankful.

-------------------------------------------

The wind, clearly, was everything. Already freezing, already howling even so far from the hem of land that it gave a name to, the winds of Northrend had driven most of the living occupants of the great zeppelin Cloudkisser belowdecks, save for the brave helmswoman who had to steer the thing. Even the hardened mercenaries who were the main cargo of the airship had largely retreated, with the assurance that they could acclimate to the cold better there.

Isilia Petrov, along with the other Forsaken mercenaries, remained on deck, staring into the approaching cliffs of the Howling Fjord as if she could intimidate the land itself into standing down before her peoples' crusade of righteous vengeance.

The wind whipped her long grayish-black hair, its former luster tarnished somewhat by the condition of undeath, around her face as the Cloudkisser began to descend, and her heart lightened as the new stronghold of Vengeance Landing came into view. She'd heard about the base before leaving, heard that the Forsaken had begun constructing anew, building new fortifications in Northrend with which to strike at the Lich King, but she still felt a renewed sense of pride as she saw the fruit of their labor. The dark stone and sharp lines betrayed their Scourge-borne influence, but none could mistake them for the rote summonings of brainwashed acolytes, just as none would ever mistake the Forsaken themselves for mere squatters in ruined hovels, content to simply lash out at those around them.

Here, the Forsaken would have their hour. Here, Arthas would die.

Shaking herself out of her reverie as the Cloudkisser docked, Isilia moved to step off, flanked by other Forsaken who'd answered the call to serve as the irregular reinforcements of the Hand of Vengeance, Sylvanas' own finest troops and apothecaries sent to fight alongside the son of Hellscream's Warsong Offensive. As she did, the living forces began to mill out behind them, all flanked by saluting deathguards as they journeyed down the steep wooden steps, the sound of the wind muffled for now.

She'd barely gone down to the ground floor before she felt a hand suddenly squeeze her own from behind, and Nuriel Dawnseeker slide deftly beside her, already shivering despite her fur-lined cloak.

"You're... too cold, sometimes, Isi," she sighed, to which Isilia responded with a chuckle.

"Don't worry about that now; just think! We're here! This is the moment of truth for both our--"

Nuriel laughed. "You can stop preaching now. I know what this all means, I know we're going to finally wipe that bastard out of existence, but right now I'd just like my girlfriend to have a warmer body."
Sighing theatrically (though there were few other kinds of sighs when one didn't have to breathe), Isilia willed a small burst of light to exit her palm, only tensing slightly at the twinge of pain that shot through her, and was rewarded with a tighter squeeze from Nuriel as the motley group stepped out into the main street of Vengeance Landing.
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Old 06-01-2012, 07:55 PM
Slowpokeking
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The writing is ok, just need more description and background information of your characters later.
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Old 06-01-2012, 07:56 PM
Xilizhra Xilizhra is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slowpokeking View Post
The writing is ok, just need more description and background information of your characters later.
That's my plan. Description is something of a weak point of mine, I admit, but in this case my idea was to open with sort of a panoramic scene that those who've played the game can relate to, to get them into it. The brief romantic banter may have been a misfire, in hindsight. I'll probably rework this.
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Old 06-01-2012, 08:06 PM
Slowpokeking
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xilizhra View Post
That's my plan. Description is something of a weak point of mine, I admit, but in this case my idea was to open with sort of a panoramic scene that those who've played the game can relate to, to get them into it. The brief romantic banter may have been a misfire, in hindsight. I'll probably rework this.
You can focus on their emotions and dialogs to build the character.

It's not a game, and to be honest the story of the Lich King is not amazing, so my suggestion is that all you have to follow is the overall storyline(Arthas fell before the champions), make the details of your own.
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Old 06-01-2012, 08:08 PM
Xilizhra Xilizhra is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slowpokeking View Post
You can focus on their emotions and dialogs to build the character.

It's not a game, and to be honest the story of the Lich King is not amazing, so my suggestion is that all you have to follow is the overall storyline(Arthas fell before the champions), make the details of your own.
Got it. I shall keep this in mind, and I think I have ideas for how to do better next time, though more input is always welcome.
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Old 06-02-2012, 01:07 AM
Bryn Bryn is offline

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The “wind”-->“it”-->“winds” in the first couple sentences is sort of bugging me. “Winds” does sound more dramatic in that spot, but I’m not sure about going from singular to plural like that.
Quote:
As she did
“As they descended”?
Quote:
She'd barely gone down to the ground floor before she felt a hand suddenly squeeze her own from behind, and Nuriel Dawnseeker slide deftly beside her, already shivering despite her fur-lined cloak.
“Reached the ground” seems more efficient to me. Also, I think “slid” sounds better than “slide” here. I get that it’s grammatically connected to “felt,” but the sentence feels more natural if it’s not connected, if that makes any sense.

The romance seemed fine to me. It, for want of a better word, humanizes the characters and introduces Isilia’s class at the same time.

Agreed that the characters should have their own subplots that don’t just follow player questing. Though if a quest would be especially meaningful to them, I don’t see anything wrong with putting it in. Whatever leads to the most interesting character development.
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:42 PM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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You want "beta readers?" How much do you pay?

I like it. The imagry has such great personality. The flow is excellent. The first few paragraphs alone speak to considerable writing experience. Isilia hasn't said a single word, and I already have a good sense of the character just through her responses.

  • her people's crusade She only has one people.
  • their Scourge-born influence born from the Scourge, not carried by it.
  • Son of Hellscream's Warsong Offensive. "Son of Hellscream" is a title in this context, though "so-and-so, son of so-and-so" would not. I love English.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xilizhra View Post
Shaking herself out of her reverie as the Cloudkisser docked, Isilia moved to step off, flanked by other Forsaken who'd answered the call to serve as the irregular reinforcements of the Hand of Vengeance, Sylvanas' own finest troops and apothecaries sent to fight alongside the son of Hellscream's Warsong Offensive.
And here's the first break in the otherwise impeccable flow. This one sentence occupies nearly a whole paragraph. Does that make sense? I like to breathe.
  • flanked by saluting Deathguards As a specific, elite force I would think this a proper noun, unless you have examples to the contrary.
  • "You're...too cold, sometimes, For some reason, a non-terminal (not ending the sentence) elipsis replaces the space, rather than preceding it.
  • this all means; I know we're going to finally
  • a small burst of Light to exit her palm,


If I may ask, what is Nuriel? The name sounds like a Blood Elf. Is she also undead? Not that they couldn't fall in love, mind you. I just mean their affections seem unlikely to be returned. Would YOU date a rotting corpse?

And while I'm thinking of it, you usually have to give at least cursory description of any new character who comes on screen; doubly so on a major charater like the protagonist's love interest.

Not sure why I felt compelled to give more detailed reasons for all those. Whatever the case, you've earned my respect. Your storytelling skills are well beyond what I expected, and there were only seven typos. Bravo!

EDIT: Bryn is mostly right about typical ways of wording things. However, every author has a unique style, something that I've been learning from reading more and more people's work. As a general policy, I don't count these things as "wrong" unless they're glaring. You have your own fingerprint. Who am I to interfere?
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:18 PM
Slowpokeking
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I think you should have the overall plot line in your mind right now, at least the end, then keep going and change the details whenever you have better idea. The most important thing is always the story.

PS: DA do you mind give some advice to my TCW fanfic?
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:42 PM
Xilizhra Xilizhra is offline

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Odds are high that I'm going to gut and redo this in some fashion. Over the past few days, I've decided that Nuriel really doesn't work; she's too flat and too tied to Outland, which I'm trying to avoid. Hence, I've pulled a different character out whom I think works better, who'll be another Forsaken. But I'm glad you liked it this much, DarkAngel, and I may not change quite as much as I'd planned originally.
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