Coldnose, Champion of the Frozen Treats
A cheap comedic knock off of "All I ever wanted to do was study"

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So there I was, minding my own business when, in a flash, I was taken. I'm not really sure how it happened exactly. One minute I'm sniffing a really interesting shrubbery that I'm positive was used by at least 5 diabetic wolves and 3 bears with an iron deficiency in my humble home of Silverpine Forest. The next thing I know everything goes white. I start to hear a strange, disembodied voice. He starts to tell me some story about how I was a brave and noble warrior who valiantly fell in battle against the terrible scourge...although I'm fairly certain I was just licking myself in a clearing somewhere waiting for an adventurer to mangle and or be mangled by and then subsequently looted. But anyway, the voice goes on as I see the inside of a far away church, then the scene shifts again to a flying shoebox in the sky. The shoebox is covered in skulls and smells like something I ate last week and then puke up this morning. I was naked, with only a small loincloth to cover my shame, but as the nice man with the soothing voice continued to talk, my lupine persona became draped in a kick-ass ensemble of black robes and a huge sword. I also notice that my non-discript form becomes strikingly female...I could DEFINITELY get used to this! Though I'm not sure what my name was before, or if I ever even had one, words appear above my head. "Coldnose" as some strange otherworldy being has dubbed me, was born! Or...unborn, I'm not too sure which.

So as the voice shrinks into the background, I decide to investigate the smelly shoebox for a while. One towering figure stands taller than all others. He's wearing hulking armor and smells like a bone pile. I couldn't quite catch what the others were calling him, so I just call him "The Bone King." He's calling to me and, strangely, its not my canine inclination that propels me to him. I assume he's some kind of alpha dog, as all the other little stinky things inside the shoebox seemed to be under his frosty thumb. He asks my to help the rest of the pack exterminate some vermin, which isn't too hard for someone like me. I wasn't too sure who exactly we were fighting since, all anyone kept telling me was "kill the ones in red!" Well that's all well and good if you can actually SEE red. So I just kind of stumble into a big old field and start hacking away. I'm not really sure what I'm doing but all of my hacks and swings seem automatic. I just kinda hit it and it falls over in a swing or two so I'm not complaining. I must be doing well because each time someone tells me to go fetch something and bring it back they give me an awesome treat in the form of a fancy new set of leg plates or boots or something. I do notice that my feet always seem to poke out of the bottoms of my boots. I think the people in the shoebox are getting ripped off, or they're too cheap to buy nice shoes for their frozen undead zombie werewolves. I mean, when I sold my old ones, they only went for about two copper. TWO COPPER. What are they made out of old newspaper?

In my mayhem, I come across someone else with frosty blue eyes and cool but crappily made armor. He's tall, blue, hoofy, and killing all of the people I needed for another mission. I run up to him and ask if we should team up but he just kind of ignores me. So I roar at him with bestial vigor, but to my surprise it does little to stop him from lobbing off another human head. I try to beat him to the humans but for some strange reason he always gets there first. I feel a gauntlet-clad hand tap my shoulder and I turn to find another dark-clad knight. He wordlessly smiles to me with large tusks coming out of his green mouth, as I don't think he spoke wolfish, and motioned for me to follow him. He lead me inside an inn where, to my delight, no less than 20 little rat-people were hiding. Needless to day, thanks to my green friend, I was able to haul no less than 100 skulls to another rather tall man the Bone King called "Noth." He seemed rather happy to have his cooking pot filled with people skulls but I myself prefer leg meat. Err anyway, so me and the green one get a little time to ourselves and I find out, get this, the guy can speak wolf-talk and is something called an "orc". He used to be a warrior and for some odd reason, he too got the weird flash of light, soothing voice man and etc. He says his name is "Steve". Yes, Steve. Apparently that Warchief thingie wasn't the only one raised by humans. He says he would have been my enemy before but we're "both children of the forgotten dead, angst angst angst" and etc. Apparently, while I was running around in the forest, other creatures like me joined the alliance (his enemies in life). I of course don't really remember that ever happening but what do I know, as of about 5 minutes ago I was sitting in the woods (in one spot mind you) and sniffing my own butt. So me and Steve continue fetching things for the Bone King and after a while we get to leave the shoebox with a bunch of other really tall people (must have eaten their gortusk liver pies as children) for a what's shaping up to be a real scrap. What's even more awesome as at one point I got this magic eeevil magic horse that appears when I use my mind powers. Steve has one too, it must be standard issue. I completely forgot about it until this very moment but I kinda didn't wanna run in there all willy-nilly while everyone else was riding in on doom-horsies. So here we are, hanging out while our leaders just...kind of stand there and await a battle that should be quite epic, or at least be a reference to something epic.

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- Ori Whitedeer

My fanfiction: Straydog Saga / Coldnose: COTFT / Imajin That! / Mortally Wounded