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  #1  
Old 11-29-2008, 06:41 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Darkmoon Card: Twisting Nether The Will of the Forsaken

Behold my fanfic I wrote most of it today after finishing studying, I have to admit that the fact it was raining heavly inspired me to write it.
Its a short story I dont think it will have more than three chapters.

Quote:
Chapter 1:

It was just another normal day for Merian Dartfall, she woke up and proceed to do the house chores, since her husband already went to work she could do all the cleaning without anyone bothering her, after cleaning preapring she prepared her lunch, she went to buy something for dinner, and did the rest of the usal stuff she did everyday. But for some strange reason she felt specially happy that day, she didn’t knew why it was just another normal day at Stratholme, the sky was clear like it usally was, and since the end of the second war life was pretty paceful and easy going, despite the disturbing rumors of some sort of plague spreading in the near towns.

But all those disturbing rumors didn’t mattered to her, she had faith the silver hand paladins would be there to protect the land has they did during the war and also she had faith in the young prince. She swepted away those rumors from her mind and continued preparing dinner for her dear husband when she first heard them, the screams.... the screams of people running for their lives. She shuddered at the sound of those screams they sounded disturbingly similar to the ones she hear when she was a child during the war, but there was something to those screams diferent she couldn’t really understood what but they chilled her up to spine when she heard them.
She was about to lock the door when her husband entered the house running with a grim expression on his face.
-Whats happening ?!?!?! she asked
-I... dont know ther army... the army began to kill people randomly so I runned....., her husband said trying to appear calm, but she knew him enough to see trough his apperance and see he was panicked from what he saw.
-But the army?! Killing people?! Are you sure?! This cant be, she said at the bringe of desperation
-Thats not the worse dear.... I am not sure of what I saw but ...but, she noticed it was a huge deal of effort to complete the sentence
-But what?!!
-But it seems the rumors are true, dead are rising from the grave, he said with a shaking voice , but I have a plan!! We can go to..
Before Merian’s husband managed to finish his sentence something broke down the house door, well it didn’t actually broke it more like it brought it down it claws. There infront of the door it stood what seemed like a rotten corpse, before she could react her husband shouted to her
-MERIAN GET BACK, RUN THROUGHT THE BACK DOOR TO THE ALLEY GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS DAMM CITY,
while he grabbed one of the chairs and charged agaisnt the undead.

Merian didn’t thought about it twice and runned trought the living room to the backdoor she desperatly opened it and rushed through the alley until she stumbled against something and fell to the floor, she looked up and saw a footman swinging his sword towards her chest and stabbing through her, she looked to the eyes fo the footman and with her last breath she asked, why?......, she saw the lips move inside the helmet, but it didn’t mattered to her anymore, she closed and fell to the floor, the screams, his husband, the footman apologizing for killing her weren’t important anymore, she was dead and she would never have to worry about those things again......or so she thought.
Well looking forward for some feedback, have in mind thats the first time I write in a long time, and in english.
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Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text

Last edited by Zula; 12-04-2008 at 01:54 PM..
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  #2  
Old 11-30-2008, 05:33 AM
Lon-ami Lon-ami is offline

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It's great for your first time. Anyway, it's cool and has a good level.

Keep those 2 chapters coming .

PS: Now I'm the only one without fanfic... I feel weird.
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Metzen: They are one of the ancient races of Northrend that we haven't spoken of before... because we hadn't made them up before. (laughter)

~Main: Expansion theorycrafting, Expansions list, The Age of Nightmare, Empire of the Tides (coming soon)~
~Fan ficton: Anachronos Journey: The Timeless Heir~ ~Geography of continents series: Old Kalimdor (original), Pandaria~
~Locations as zones series: Azjol-Nerub, Barrow Deeps, Zul'Aman, Demon Hunter zone, Caverns of Time~
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  #3  
Old 11-30-2008, 07:39 AM
Wulfang Wulfang is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon-ami View Post
It's great for your first time. Anyway, it's cool and has a good level.

Keep those 2 chapters coming .

PS: Now I'm the only one without fanfic... I feel weird.
Don't worry, you're not alone.
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  #4  
Old 11-30-2008, 11:56 AM
Zula Zula is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon-ami View Post
It's great for your first time. Anyway, it's cool and has a good level.

Keep those 2 chapters coming .

PS: Now I'm the only one without fanfic... I feel weird.
Haha thanks Lon!, yeah I will probably have the second part next week.

But you aren't the onlyone without a fanfic, you could translate the ones you have in spanish.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #5  
Old 11-30-2008, 11:58 AM
Lon-ami Lon-ami is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zula View Post
But you aren't the onlyone without a fanfic, you could translate the ones you have in spanish.
LAZINESS!

I have a new one, about Arthas hijacking pandarens from Stonetalon to discover where Pandaria is. Invading new lands is cool.
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Metzen: They are one of the ancient races of Northrend that we haven't spoken of before... because we hadn't made them up before. (laughter)

~Main: Expansion theorycrafting, Expansions list, The Age of Nightmare, Empire of the Tides (coming soon)~
~Fan ficton: Anachronos Journey: The Timeless Heir~ ~Geography of continents series: Old Kalimdor (original), Pandaria~
~Locations as zones series: Azjol-Nerub, Barrow Deeps, Zul'Aman, Demon Hunter zone, Caverns of Time~
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  #6  
Old 11-30-2008, 12:04 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon-ami View Post
LAZINESS!

I have a new one, about Arthas hijacking pandarens from Stonetalon to discover where Pandaria is. Invading new lands is cool.
Then don't complain .

EDIT:700 Posts yay.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #7  
Old 11-30-2008, 12:10 PM
Lon-ami Lon-ami is offline

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Zula, I suspect you are speaking from a ciber-cafe, but try to join the blizzplanet chat and leave a comment!

I'll try to translate some stuff when I have time .
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Metzen: They are one of the ancient races of Northrend that we haven't spoken of before... because we hadn't made them up before. (laughter)

~Main: Expansion theorycrafting, Expansions list, The Age of Nightmare, Empire of the Tides (coming soon)~
~Fan ficton: Anachronos Journey: The Timeless Heir~ ~Geography of continents series: Old Kalimdor (original), Pandaria~
~Locations as zones series: Azjol-Nerub, Barrow Deeps, Zul'Aman, Demon Hunter zone, Caverns of Time~
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  #8  
Old 11-30-2008, 12:20 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon-ami View Post
Zula, I suspect you are speaking from a ciber-cafe, but try to join the blizzplanet chat and leave a comment!

I'll try to translate some stuff when I have time .
No I am not, my internet came back to life on thursday. care to post a link to blizzplanet?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #9  
Old 11-30-2008, 12:44 PM
Lon-ami Lon-ami is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zula View Post
No I am not, my internet came back to life on thursday. care to post a link to blizzplanet?
Who's lazy now, uh? xDDD
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Metzen: They are one of the ancient races of Northrend that we haven't spoken of before... because we hadn't made them up before. (laughter)

~Main: Expansion theorycrafting, Expansions list, The Age of Nightmare, Empire of the Tides (coming soon)~
~Fan ficton: Anachronos Journey: The Timeless Heir~ ~Geography of continents series: Old Kalimdor (original), Pandaria~
~Locations as zones series: Azjol-Nerub, Barrow Deeps, Zul'Aman, Demon Hunter zone, Caverns of Time~
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  #10  
Old 11-30-2008, 12:59 PM
Mark_Romaneck Mark_Romaneck is offline

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Originally Posted by Wulfang View Post
Don't worry, you're not alone.
we should make a club
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Megatron: You've forgotten something else: I am your prisoner. I've been granted conditional bail while we look for the Knights of Cybertron. Where in my bail terms does it say—where precisely does it say—that I have to risk my life to save a handful of strangers? Where does it say that?

Skids taps Megatron's Autobot badge.

Skids: Right. There. What does that badge even mean to you? How has wearing it forced you to modify your behaviour? I'm serious! How has being an Autobot in any way prevented you from doing exactly what you want? Because if the answer is "it hasn't"—then nothing you've said or done in the last six months counts for anything.
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  #11  
Old 12-01-2008, 08:55 AM
Timolas Timolas is offline


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Ey, Zula! That had an emotional feel to it.
Although you should work on the spelling, grammar, capitalisation and all that jazz, you did real well in conveying the feel of what the people of Stratholme must have actually felt. Plus you left a nice cliffhanger there.
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  #12  
Old 12-01-2008, 03:49 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas View Post
Ey, Zula! That had an emotional feel to it.
Although you should work on the spelling, grammar, capitalisation and all that jazz, you did real well in conveying the feel of what the people of Stratholme must have actually felt. Plus you left a nice cliffhanger there.
Thanks Tim! I know I must work my grammar, but there is no better way to improve than with practic.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #13  
Old 12-03-2008, 05:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zula View Post
Thanks Tim! I know I must work my grammar, but there is no better way to improve than with practic.
And right you are!

Practic it is then!
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  #14  
Old 12-03-2008, 06:23 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Here it is Chapter 2, as always looking for feedback, of any kind XD.

Quote:
Chapter 2:

For a slim second Merian felt an unexplainable feeling, to put it in simple words she felt like she was part of a great mesh of happiness. Around her aparently there were people standing, but their faces were blurred and she couldn’t recognize anyone. But suddenly when the faces were beggining to be clearer, she felt a chilling sensation running up from her spine which quickly covered all her body. That strange sense of happiness disappeared and was replaced with a feeling of emptyness, and then she heard it for the first time the voice. The voice was incredibly cold and it spoke neither with hate or love; it also didn’t spoke in common but in a strange and crude language and also sounded very distant. But somehow she could understand it when it first spoke. Rise, the voice said, kill them all, but don’t touch the prince he must, the voice stopped for a second, live.

‘He has spoken’ she tought to herself, and when she realized what she was doing she had already standed and was running trough the streets of Stratholme, but then it came to her while she runned, ‘Didn’t I died’, she tought,‘Why I am running’, she thougt of trying to stop but doing that would mean breaking the orders from the voice and she didn’t wanted to do that. ‘But why I don’t want to break the orders?!!’ she wondered. She looked around her and realized she was running with a bunch of dead things that resembled the one that broke into her house, but they were indiferent to her presence, she touched her chest but her wound wasn’t bleeding anymore. ‘So I am dead?, but but how?? how I am moving?? why I am obeying this voice, but worse of all why the hell do I feel so calm about these’, she thought to herself.

But while these and a lot of other questions arose inside Merian’s confused and perturbed mind, she had kept running trough the streets up to the point she and the other undead kept running up to the point the got to a group of citizens trying to escape from the carnage. Merian gazed upon the the panicked persons and with the other undead she plunged towards, the humans scared tried to run while some of them tried to to fight, she jumped over one of them and began tearing the human body using her claws, she quickly dispatched her foe and moved up to one of the running ones while the rest of the undead took the ones who tried to fight. After a while all the humans were dead without much of a fight and Merian was standing before the dead bodies, and continously thinking to herself, ‘why............... why did I killed them, they were trying to escape, I even knew some of them, and why I don’t feel anything’, she thougt while deep inside her she knew she had actually felt something while all those poor people were screaming for their lifes, begging her to stop and just finish them, she felt joy those screams the same screams she heard while she was in her house, the same ones that chilled her bones, she enjoyed them and she cursed the one responsible for that. It was then that the voice spoke again’retreat, go to the forests, hide wait for my champion to return
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text

Last edited by Zula; 12-04-2008 at 01:55 PM..
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  #15  
Old 12-04-2008, 09:41 AM
Rowan Seven Rowan Seven is offline

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I second what Timolas said. The formatting could definitely stand for improvement, and I'd recommend you put spaces between your paragraphs. Still, since this is your first time writing fiction in English in a while you have my compliments for making it as coherent as it is. You are successfully conveying emotion and the feeling of puzzlement, and having the footman apologize was a very human touch. You might want to clarify whether the protagonist has become a ghoul or "Forsaken"-type undead since I'm a little confused on that point, but otherwise the second chapter continues the trend and quality established in the first. Please continue to write.
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  #16  
Old 12-04-2008, 01:53 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan Seven View Post
I second what Timolas said. The formatting could definitely stand for improvement, and I'd recommend you put spaces between your paragraphs. Still, since this is your first time writing fiction in English in a while you have my compliments for making it as coherent as it is. You are successfully conveying emotion and the feeling of puzzlement, and having the footman apologize was a very human touch. You might want to clarify whether the protagonist has become a ghoul or "Forsaken"-type undead since I'm a little confused on that point, but otherwise the second chapter continues the trend and quality established in the first. Please continue to write.
Well I really apreciate you opinion Rowan, I will do the paragraph thing.
No the character hasn't become a mindless ghoul, its a ''Forsaken''-type undead I will make it clearer in the next chapter.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #17  
Old 12-21-2008, 06:58 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Well chapter 3 is in the works I think I will have it up for tomorrow.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #18  
Old 02-25-2009, 10:43 AM
Zula Zula is offline

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And well tomorrow came! two months later but as the saying says 'Better late than never.' The real reason for this delay was that I wasn't satisfied with it, and you could say I had a 'writer's block'. But well in the end yesterday I finally overcame it and decided to rewrite it all, I know its too short but well I didn't wanted it to be much longer.

Quote:
Chapter 3:

After escaping the city couldn’t understand what was going on, the atrocities she commited haunted her mind time. Which each second that passed it was harder for her to pay attention to what was happening or even to what she was doing. And despite she didn’t really noticed time began to pass. Minutes turned into hours, and hours into days and days into weeks. The beloved prince came back and cowardly murdered his father and soon thereafter the city was overrun by undead, among them Merian herself.

Since her body was in a particualr good condition, despite the usal rot the undead suffer, she among others was ordered to work in the royal catacombs. The Lich King, the owner of the voice who whispered to her, had plans for the catatombs.

But for Merian it was irrelevant she knew that she was forced to obey him. So she looked for shelter in the only thing she had left, her memories. She concentrated every day in remembering who she used to be while she was alive, it was the only thing that avoided her from becoming a ‘ghoul’. The only time she was forced back to her sad reality was when the Lich King spoke, every time he ordered something she remembered everything, that she was dead and serving him for eternity, she couldn’t control her body, the people she killed everything came to her mind breaking the fragile illusion she weaved to retain her sanity, or atleast part of it.


She hated the ‘Lich King’ he created the plague that turned her into an undead, he was the on who forced her to kill uncountable people. But all that rage could do was depresses her even more, she was still a pawn a member of the Scourge no matter how much hate she harbored for her master. Until one day things seemed to change, it seemed the Lich King was also a pawn of sorts in an even bigger plot, he served and army of demons that had consumed uncoutable worlds in their unholy march and now had their eyes set on hers.

She felt relieved if the mission of the demons was to consume the world her eternal suffering would finally end with their triumph, for a brief moment she felt something she hadn’t felt in ages....happiness.

A happiness which did not lasted, the demons had no interest in the catacombs and she was sent again to the battle field to scourge what remanied of humanity. Once again she was murdering innocent people and feeding on their corpses. She couldn’t even seek shelter in her memories since they were becoming blurry. The only thing that kept her mind from disappearing and turning into a mindless ghoul was the the idea that it would all end soon.

But unknown to poor Merian the Lich King didn’t had the slightest intentions on letting the demons achieve their goals, a fact that she was to realize soon.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #19  
Old 02-25-2009, 02:51 PM
Timolas Timolas is offline


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First time an innocent and good character would have a motivation for hoping the Legion would be successful; that's a cool twist. That the destruction of Azeroth would end in her relief.
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Old 02-25-2009, 05:05 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas View Post
First time an innocent and good character would have a motivation for hoping the Legion would be successful; that's a cool twist. That the destruction of Azeroth would end in her relief.
Well yeah thats kinda the point of this fic is to show how a normal person ends up as psicotic Forsaken.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #21  
Old 11-01-2009, 09:50 AM
Zula Zula is offline

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After a long time of leaving this thing fall to dust, I realized that now that my writting skills are more polished than back then. I will probably rewrite the whole thing and give each part of the story the time it deserves. But when? Well maybe after I finish my exams.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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  #22  
Old 11-03-2009, 11:36 AM
Mark_Romaneck Mark_Romaneck is offline

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Aye I know what ya mean mate, when one spearheads into english he does it in a sloppy manner, but go ahead and try again im sure that by your posts at the great war you can do something so much better in the redaction deparment
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Megatron: You've forgotten something else: I am your prisoner. I've been granted conditional bail while we look for the Knights of Cybertron. Where in my bail terms does it say—where precisely does it say—that I have to risk my life to save a handful of strangers? Where does it say that?

Skids taps Megatron's Autobot badge.

Skids: Right. There. What does that badge even mean to you? How has wearing it forced you to modify your behaviour? I'm serious! How has being an Autobot in any way prevented you from doing exactly what you want? Because if the answer is "it hasn't"—then nothing you've said or done in the last six months counts for anything.
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  #23  
Old 11-24-2009, 05:56 PM
Catherin
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Default The Will of the Forsaken

glad to see people like my work. let me tell you right now that this is the boring part of the story, in chapter 2 which will probably be posted before the end of the weekend the action and horror will be upped a level.
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  #24  
Old 11-24-2009, 08:12 PM
Zula Zula is offline

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Originally Posted by Catherin View Post
glad to see people like my work. let me tell you right now that this is the boring part of the story, in chapter 2 which will probably be posted before the end of the weekend the action and horror will be upped a level.
Oh really?? I can't wait my dear!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timolas roleplaying with Xie
"Take me, Xie! I know you dream of me as I dream of you; you haunt me Xie! Take me! Take me like an aminal Xie!"
Xie wants YOU to check Wulfang brainchild RIGHT NOW. SO click on this text
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