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Old 12-03-2012, 05:56 PM
Ashendant Ashendant is offline

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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portugal
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Originally Posted by Revenant View Post
Your English is not the best, and your syntax is an odd mix of esoteric and poor. You use big words and then seem to trip over them, while messing up the smaller ones too. It is not clear to me what you are going for in several sentences.
My biggest problem that i need to fix in general.

Can you note some of the most obvious places?
Crystal dream-eaters? All the fun of being mostly/exactly the same without the awkward. My suggestion, anyway.
Meh, i'll see.

For the newborn stage, if they have "no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream," how do they hunt? Are you going for a sentience/sapience discrepancy again, or does the Emerald Dream move them where they need to go, or do they obtain memories randomly, or what?
Hum i need to reword that, they are supposed to stumble upon them, so yeah randomly. Yes i'm going for that discrepancy, though i don't know why you say "again"

You say "That is until." This implies something stops or starts. What changes when they find the first of the three initial memories? If it only eats them when it finds all three, then what prompts the change?
They stop being newborns and reach childhood. What prompts the change is having the three memories orbiting their head, it gives them the necessary traits they need to be completed. The consumption only starts when a fourth memory of any type is acquired, replacing the one on their head that was just eaten to give place to the fourth memory.

I do not see the point of their modular and random nature. They constantly gather and consume a new triad of memories, switching out their personalities, abilities, and appearances, only to use these things in a non-sapient pantomime? Their only benefit is trading temporary attributes with each other?
Yes, their entire existence is intended to be theatrical and fake much like a dream or a illusion. Yes that's the clear benefit, but it's more of a consequence of their acting rather than something they intend to do, with most trades being hardly beneficial to one of the traders. It's essentially trading for trading sake.

Ephemeral and dream-like things have their place, but what is the plot with these guys? You have a hook there with the possible extra stage, but if a group of them were encountered in Warcraft, what would they be besides generic things to kill? At least make them interesting things to kill.
Yes that's actually a good point. Well i will add this later but essentially the storages filled with items that they craft, and never use, can be filled with anything that has been observed being crafted from a hammer, gold bars or Ashbringers(assuming that someone watch Magni crafting it). That's the perspective of looting them. As hostile beings I need to give it further thought but I think I'll go with some of them simulating "bad" dreamers from bandits, pirates and cultists. I intended them to be a indirect product of Old God magic, but i should rephrase it better.

The particular events that prompted their ability to harvest each type of dream are a bit odd. Why would pet battling and Jaina's fling resonate through the Emerald Dream so much?
I intended to be odd and a bit out-of-place. I used pet battling because I wanted to focus on the increasing attention by players/pet battlers on the abilities each pet. And with the huge variety of abilities pets have, those types of dream kept increasing until it culminated in the Dream-eaters subconsciously accepted it has norm.

The Jaina fling is in the part of acceptance of the general populace to affairs alien to them like that. As Jaina is a ruler, what she does becomes more acceptable to the populace. Since i don't know how "public" is Jaina and Kalec relationship is, i have gone with rumours spreading around.

Silicate Dream-Eaters feels a little off, being a combination of a pedantic and pedestrian words. Might I suggest Silicate Spectravores instead? You can mess around some more with the etymology of words like hallucination, reverie, specter and whatnot if you like.
I don't like that name, but I think I'll do what you suggested.

When you say they exist primarily in the Emerald Dream, it sounds as though it is the most common of multiple environments where populations can emerge and persist, but as I understand it you want them to be exclusively native to the Emerald Dream. Perhaps consider rewording that part of the Habitats section accordingly.
Yeah I will.

I'd suggest replacing the "Biology" section with at least two others, one for "Physiology" and the other for "Life Cycle." Expand your description of the physical appearance and characteristics in the Physiology section, and consider merging it with the bit later on when you describe the function of the three crystals. Likewise, modify the Life Cycle section to incorporate your later descriptions of the habits apparent in each stage.
Hmm that's a great idea

At the end of the Life Cycle section would be a good place to mention that the Green Dragons doubt the so-called 'Adult' stage is the final one in the creatures' development. From here you can lead into your final section, which I'd recommend renaming to something like "Origins" or "Ominous Implications." I don't get the impression that they're old enough as a species for the connotations associated with "History" to be appropriate. Here, I would advise you to weave in a few more hints as to the relation between the creatures and dragons, and what they have to do with the war, Deathwing, the Old Gods or whatever eldritch force brought them into being. You don't need to give everything away, but try to give the impression that one or more unified theory exists. Offer a bit of speculation as to what they are, what they want, where they came from, where they're going and so on.
Yeah, i'll rename it.

So more speculation it is.

I wouldn't worry about the language too much. If English isn't your strongest language, or you are personally not the strongest writer, so be it. I don't think this project is a contest of prowess in the English language, but a creative exercise where content, more than form, is what matters.
Yeah but i want to improve my writing too. So any specific criticisms would be nice too

Last edited by Ashendant; 12-03-2012 at 06:22 PM..
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