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Old 12-03-2012, 07:10 PM
Revenant Revenant is offline

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About the name, both Archimedes and I saw the same problem, though we took it in opposite directions. What I called esoteric and poor, he called pedantic and pedestrian. The language has an uncommon phrase next to a common one. It doesn't flow, meaning you might have to change one side.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashendant View Post
My biggest problem that i need to fix in general.

Can you note some of the most obvious places?
It should be "what they are dreaming."

"as the dreamer resynchronize with their brains" is off. It should be "as the dreamer resynchronizes with their brains" or "as the dreamer will resynchronize with their brains". Though I'm not quite sure what that means, especially if the theft is harmless to the dreamer.

"the Sapient Being personality" should be "the sapient being's personality."

"distant it's dreamer." should be "distant from its dreamer" or "distant from the dreamer."

"and any long-term effect are providing nourishment." should be "and any long-term effects are providing nourishment." but I think you mean "and the only long-term effect is that it provides nourishment."

You need to pick a proper capitalization and a plural form for "dream-eater".

It should be "This type of memory" or "These memories".

Spaces come before parentheses.

"it's original." should be "its original."

"aspect" should be "appearance" or something. It has more aspects than just the appearance.

"full sapient beings" might be right. It depends on if you mean [fully sapient] [beings] or [full] [sapient beings]. The former sounds like they are increasing in sapience (which they appear to be, but are not), while the latter sounds like they were an not a complete being before (which is true, but not what the sentence is about).

I'm not sure if "sordid, and quite obvious, affair" is the right way to put it, but the grammar is right.

Quote:
They stop being newborns and reach childhood. What prompts the change is having the three memories orbiting their head, it gives them the necessary traits they need to be completed. The consumption only starts when a fourth memory of any type is acquired, replacing the one on their head that was just eaten to give place to the fourth memory.
That bit is "...they have no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream. That is until they find one of three memories required..." But now you say they need to stumble on all three, plus a fourth, to do anything.
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^Ignored again.

Okay. It is cool.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonneillon View Post
It'd be nice if they actually finally gave us things they cut or under utilized 10 years ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkphoenix View Post
Ten.

Years.
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