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![]() Elune Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 15,557
BattleTag: Ashendant#2130
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![]() So Cantus suggested i should start a thread about this, so anyone that need or gives help with should post here
Here's my own Quote:
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![]() Last edited by Ashendant; 01-02-2013 at 05:49 PM.. |
#2
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![]() Revenant - Moderator Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,278
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![]() Quote:
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You say "That is until." This implies something stops or starts. What changes when they find the first of the three initial memories? If it only eats them when it finds all three, then what prompts the change? Quote:
Ephemeral and dream-like things have their place, but what is the plot with these guys? You have a hook there with the possible extra stage, but if a group of them were encountered in Warcraft, what would they be besides generic things to kill? At least make them interesting things to kill. Quote:
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^Ignored again. Okay. It is cool. Quote:
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#3
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![]() Master Worldbuilder Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: A Dying World
Posts: 18,136
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![]() Silicate Dream-Eaters feels a little off, being a combination of a pedantic and pedestrian words. Might I suggest Silicate Spectravores instead? You can mess around some more with the etymology of words like hallucination, reverie, specter and whatnot if you like.
When you say they exist primarily in the Emerald Dream, it sounds as though it is the most common of multiple environments where populations can emerge and persist, but as I understand it you want them to be exclusively native to the Emerald Dream. Perhaps consider rewording that part of the Habitats section accordingly. I'd suggest replacing the "Biology" section with at least two others, one for "Physiology" and the other for "Life Cycle." Expand your description of the physical appearance and characteristics in the Physiology section, and consider merging it with the bit later on when you describe the function of the three crystals. Likewise, modify the Life Cycle section to incorporate your later descriptions of the habits apparent in each stage. At the end of the Life Cycle section would be a good place to mention that the Green Dragons doubt the so-called 'Adult' stage is the final one in the creatures' development. From here you can lead into your final section, which I'd recommend renaming to something like "Origins" or "Ominous Implications." I don't get the impression that they're old enough as a species for the connotations associated with "History" to be appropriate. Here, I would advise you to weave in a few more hints as to the relation between the creatures and dragons, and what they have to do with the war, Deathwing, the Old Gods or whatever eldritch force brought them into being. You don't need to give everything away, but try to give the impression that one or more unified theory exists. Offer a bit of speculation as to what they are, what they want, where they came from, where they're going and so on. I wouldn't worry about the language too much. If English isn't your strongest language, or you are personally not the strongest writer, so be it. I don't think this project is a contest of prowess in the English language, but a creative exercise where content, more than form, is what matters.
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![]() Elune Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 15,557
BattleTag: Ashendant#2130
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![]() Quote:
![]() Can you note some of the most obvious places? Quote:
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The Jaina fling is in the part of acceptance of the general populace to affairs alien to them like that. As Jaina is a ruler, what she does becomes more acceptable to the populace. Since i don't know how "public" is Jaina and Kalec relationship is, i have gone with rumours spreading around. Quote:
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So more speculation it is. Quote:
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![]() Last edited by Ashendant; 12-03-2012 at 07:22 PM.. |
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![]() Elune Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Stromgarde
Posts: 9,556
BattleTag: Erthad #1438
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![]() Your biggest problem is that you use "trough" in place of "though."
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#6
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![]() Elune Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 15,557
BattleTag: Ashendant#2130
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![]() Quote:
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#7
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![]() Revenant - Moderator Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,278
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![]() About the name, both Archimedes and I saw the same problem, though we took it in opposite directions. What I called esoteric and poor, he called pedantic and pedestrian. The language has an uncommon phrase next to a common one. It doesn't flow, meaning you might have to change one side.
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"as the dreamer resynchronize with their brains" is off. It should be "as the dreamer resynchronizes with their brains" or "as the dreamer will resynchronize with their brains". Though I'm not quite sure what that means, especially if the theft is harmless to the dreamer. "the Sapient Being personality" should be "the sapient being's personality." "distant it's dreamer." should be "distant from its dreamer" or "distant from the dreamer." "and any long-term effect are providing nourishment." should be "and any long-term effects are providing nourishment." but I think you mean "and the only long-term effect is that it provides nourishment." You need to pick a proper capitalization and a plural form for "dream-eater". It should be "This type of memory" or "These memories". Spaces come before parentheses. "it's original." should be "its original." "aspect" should be "appearance" or something. It has more aspects than just the appearance. "full sapient beings" might be right. It depends on if you mean [fully sapient] [beings] or [full] [sapient beings]. The former sounds like they are increasing in sapience (which they appear to be, but are not), while the latter sounds like they were an not a complete being before (which is true, but not what the sentence is about). I'm not sure if "sordid, and quite obvious, affair" is the right way to put it, but the grammar is right. Quote:
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^Ignored again. Okay. It is cool. Quote:
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#8
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![]() Eternal Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 4,263
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![]() So, today I got a tablet up and running. So the first thing I draw is this.
![]() And now I need a back story. I see them as tropical pests that live on the tropical islands of the south seas, and that are occasionally kept as pets by the jungle trolls that live there. They're intelligent enough to hold a conversation with, but only by repeating words they've heard before. Also, shitty quality pic is shitty. First time with a tablet, so cut me some slack.
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...Place loses all significance...
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#9
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![]() Revenant - Moderator Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,278
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![]() Like pretty much everyone? Might want to reword that.
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^Ignored again. Okay. It is cool. Quote:
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#10
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![]() Master Worldbuilder Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: A Dying World
Posts: 18,136
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![]() Sapient people are also able to read and discern meaning and invent new words or conjugations as the situation demands by assuming an understanding of how those words work mechanically and structurally.
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#11
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![]() Eternal Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 4,263
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![]() What I mean is that they can understand sentences, but they can't come up with them on their own, only repeat lines they've heard before.
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...Place loses all significance...
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#12
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![]() Revenant - Moderator Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,278
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![]() Ashendant, you might want to clean up your entry now.
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^Ignored again. Okay. It is cool. Quote:
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#13
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![]() Elune Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 15,557
BattleTag: Ashendant#2130
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![]() Sorry, it's done i'm just a bit demotivated... wanted to write another about marine race brought from the Abyssal Maw and enslaved by the naga.
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