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Old 12-02-2012, 05:01 PM
Ashendant Ashendant is offline

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Default Help for Project 3

So Cantus suggested i should start a thread about this, so anyone that need or gives help with should post here

Here's my own

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Emerald Dolls

Habitats
Emerald Dolls exist primarily in the Emerald Dream through they appear on Azeroth near gates to the dream. They begin their lives as sole wanderers, but as they grow older they forsake their solitude for what resembles a civilization.

Physiology
The most obvious feature of a Emerald Dolls is their pearl-like head and the 3 floating crystals orbiting around it. As they grow their face becomes carved with certain characteristics and they form a crystalline humanoid body around it's head.

They are eaters of dreams and as such they will find dreamers and steal memories which can be associated with what they are dreaming. This theft is often temporary (as the dreamer resynchronizes with their brains), independent of what happens to the resulting memory crystal. However their growth is entirely dependent on what memories they consume.

The 3 main themes of a memory are Growth, Strife and Lust.

A memory of Growth is a type of memory that's largely influenced the sapient being's personality. These memories have more immediate effects and will define the current personality of a Dolls. These memories are often extreme in nature and will often create a personality distant from its dreamer. After consumption, the old personality is completely erased in favour of the new personality and any long-term effect is that it provides nourishment.. As a consequence of this, Dolls have fickle personalities.

A memory of Strife is based around a conflict the dreamer faced, either from direct combat or observation. This type of memories add new abilities to the Doll from combat to crafting. These memories are gathered from what the dreamer saws others doing rather than what it actually knows. Because of this Dolls only have one offensive ability, as long as it orbits around its head, which can come from all types of creatures, a scratch done by a critter (Too common) to Deathwing's Cataclysm (Never happened, though it could). Once they consume the memory crystal they will remain as a passive variation of its original. For some reason crafting memories are considered as passive and will render the Doll defenceless until they have eaten the crafting memory.

A memory of Lust is a type of memory where the dreamer lusted for another individual. The difference between this memory and the others is that it doesn't provide any effect useless while orbiting their heads and only provide long-term effect by changing the appearance of the Doll after consumption.

Life Cycles
They have four known stages: Newborn, Child, Adolescent and Adult.

Newborn stage: They only have a featureless head as part of their bodies in this stage. To grow into the next stage they have to hunt for dreamers and their dream which have to correspond to 3 theme-specific memories. Their heads are around 20 cm large. As a Newborn they have no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream. That is until they find one of three memories required as these will be the most important for how they develop. However they are unable to consume them until they reach the Childhood stage. Once a Newborn obtains all three it will start collecting new memories and eat the old ones.

Child stage: Only when the Emerald Dolls reach this stage is when they begin to consume the memories they gather. Because of this the first facial features, similar to hairs and a face, will begin to appear. They will also begin to grow a crystalline spine. Their spines will usually grow to 30 cm. In this stage most of their behaviour will be of solitude, but with a will of their own, while hunting for memories to gain a more clear shape. They will end up looking like the memories of Lust they consume, like tusks from orcs to ears from night elfs.

Adolescent stage: In this stage their head and spines will finish growing. Instead they will begin to grow a ribcage, shoulder-pads and small stumps for arms and legs. This stage ends when they show the first signs of working joints in both the arms and legs. This stage is when their behavioural patterns begin to change into a more social standard. However they are not quite there and as such they tend to move around these "towns" without any clear purpose.

Adult stage: As the final stage (or at least what Green Dragons thinks it's their final stage) their arms and legs will continue to grow, while Fae-like wings and hands will appear. However they never grow feet and they always are permanently floating .However when they reach this stage is when they begin to behave like a society, fighting, talking and crafting items. But it's not a real society, it is a mockery of one, behaving much like children trying to enact a play. The fight are no more than a carefully choreographed dance. The speech is no more than rambling gibberish without any coherent thoughts behind it. And the results of their crafts will remain in storages and dumps never to be used. The only real benefit the Dolls seem to gain from these interactions is that they trade the memories that currently orbit their heads.

While they simulate sapient beings at this stage they aren't one, and the Green Dragons suspect that there is another far more dangerous stage which will be.

Origins

Dolls are a recent species, with their genesis strangely coinciding with the creation of Lycanthoth and Nemesis in Hyjal. Which leaves many suspecting they share a eldritch origin with dark ancients or that they are a accidental remnant of the magic that created the dark ancients.

However only recently have they started growing out of the Newborn stage, much like they were unable to collect all types of memories until the Battle of Theramore. From their birth they always had access to memories of Growth, suggesting that the births of the Dark Ancients are responsible for not only their birth but their ability to acquire them.

Memories of Strife started appearing around their heads sometime after the death of Deathwing. However the contents of these memories shows that the most probable reason was the gradual increase of pet battling for sport among adventurers.

However memories of Lust only started shortly before the battle of Theramoore. Although most don't know the reason, those that had their presence in that battle and survived suspect that it's somehow related to Jaina's sordid, and quite obvious, affair with the Blue Dragon Kalec.

Those that have probed the various types of memories can't find any discernible reason for such events to have such a uniform effect on all Emeralds Dolls, although the most daring say they have to do with acceptance of concepts by the general public.
Any opinions and suggestions are welcomed, also questions are welcomed since they help me think justifications and improve the entry as a whole.
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:07 PM
Revenant Revenant is offline

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Originally Posted by Ashendant View Post
Any opinions and suggestions are welcomed, also questions are welcomed since they help me think justifications and improve the entry as a whole.
Your English is not the best, and your syntax is an odd mix of esoteric and poor. You use big words and then seem to trip over them, while messing up the smaller ones too. It is not clear to me what you are going for in several sentences.

Quote:
Silicate Dream-Eaters(Probably needs better name)
Crystal dream-eaters? All the fun of being mostly/exactly the same without the awkward. My suggestion, anyway.

Quote:
They have four known stages: Newborn, Child, Adolescent and Adult.
The development stages are fine.

Quote:
As a Newborn they have no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream. That is until they find one of three memories required as these will be the most important for how they develop. However they are unable to consume them until they reach the Childhood stage. Once a Newborn obtains all three it will start collecting new memories and eat the old ones.
For the newborn stage, if they have "no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream," how do they hunt? Are you going for a sentience/sapience discrepancy again, or does the Emerald Dream move them where they need to go, or do they obtain memories randomly, or what?

You say "That is until." This implies something stops or starts. What changes when they find the first of the three initial memories? If it only eats them when it finds all three, then what prompts the change?

Quote:
However when they reach the Adult stage is when they begin to behave like a society, fighting, talking and crafting items. But it's not a real society, it is a mockery of one, behaving much like children trying to enact a play. The fight are no more than a carefully choreographed dance. The speech is no more than rambling gibberish without any coherent thoughts behind it. And the results of their crafts will remain in storages and dumps never to be used. The only real benefit the Dream-eaters seem to gain from these interactions is that they trade the memories that currently orbit their heads.

While they simulate a full sapient beings at this stage they aren't one, and the Green Dragons suspect that there is another stage which will be.
I do not see the point of their modular and random nature. They constantly gather and consume a new triad of memories, switching out their personalities, abilities, and appearances, only to use these things in a non-sapient pantomime? Their only benefit is trading temporary attributes with each other?

Ephemeral and dream-like things have their place, but what is the plot with these guys? You have a hook there with the possible extra stage, but if a group of them were encountered in Warcraft, what would they be besides generic things to kill? At least make them interesting things to kill.

Quote:
History
Dream-eaters are a recent species, with their genesis strangely coinciding with the creation of Lycanthoth and Nemesis in Hyjal. Which leaves many suspecting they have a eldritch origin.

However only recently have they started growing out of the Newborn stage, much like they were unable to collect all types of memories until the Battle of Theramore. From their birth they always had access to memories of Growth, suggesting that the births of the Dark Ancients are responsible for not only their birth but their ability to adiquire them.

Memories of Strife started appearing around their heads sometime after the death of Deathwing. However the contents of these memories shows that the most probable reason was the gradual increase of pet battling for sport among adventurers.

However memories of Lust only started shortly before the battle of Theramoore. Although most don't know the reason, those that had their presence in that battle and survived suspect that it's somehow related to Jaina's sordid, and quite obvious, affair with the Blue Dragon Kalec.
The particular events that prompted their ability to harvest each type of dream are a bit odd. Why would pet battling and Jaina's fling resonate through the Emerald Dream so much?
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Old 12-03-2012, 02:12 PM
Anansi Anansi is offline

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Silicate Dream-Eaters feels a little off, being a combination of a pedantic and pedestrian words. Might I suggest Silicate Spectravores instead? You can mess around some more with the etymology of words like hallucination, reverie, specter and whatnot if you like.

When you say they exist primarily in the Emerald Dream, it sounds as though it is the most common of multiple environments where populations can emerge and persist, but as I understand it you want them to be exclusively native to the Emerald Dream. Perhaps consider rewording that part of the Habitats section accordingly.

I'd suggest replacing the "Biology" section with at least two others, one for "Physiology" and the other for "Life Cycle." Expand your description of the physical appearance and characteristics in the Physiology section, and consider merging it with the bit later on when you describe the function of the three crystals. Likewise, modify the Life Cycle section to incorporate your later descriptions of the habits apparent in each stage.

At the end of the Life Cycle section would be a good place to mention that the Green Dragons doubt the so-called 'Adult' stage is the final one in the creatures' development. From here you can lead into your final section, which I'd recommend renaming to something like "Origins" or "Ominous Implications." I don't get the impression that they're old enough as a species for the connotations associated with "History" to be appropriate. Here, I would advise you to weave in a few more hints as to the relation between the creatures and dragons, and what they have to do with the war, Deathwing, the Old Gods or whatever eldritch force brought them into being. You don't need to give everything away, but try to give the impression that one or more unified theory exists. Offer a bit of speculation as to what they are, what they want, where they came from, where they're going and so on.

I wouldn't worry about the language too much. If English isn't your strongest language, or you are personally not the strongest writer, so be it. I don't think this project is a contest of prowess in the English language, but a creative exercise where content, more than form, is what matters.
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:56 PM
Ashendant Ashendant is offline

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Originally Posted by Revenant View Post
Your English is not the best, and your syntax is an odd mix of esoteric and poor. You use big words and then seem to trip over them, while messing up the smaller ones too. It is not clear to me what you are going for in several sentences.
My biggest problem that i need to fix in general.

Can you note some of the most obvious places?
Quote:
Crystal dream-eaters? All the fun of being mostly/exactly the same without the awkward. My suggestion, anyway.
Meh, i'll see.

Quote:
For the newborn stage, if they have "no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream," how do they hunt? Are you going for a sentience/sapience discrepancy again, or does the Emerald Dream move them where they need to go, or do they obtain memories randomly, or what?
Hum i need to reword that, they are supposed to stumble upon them, so yeah randomly. Yes i'm going for that discrepancy, though i don't know why you say "again"

Quote:
You say "That is until." This implies something stops or starts. What changes when they find the first of the three initial memories? If it only eats them when it finds all three, then what prompts the change?
They stop being newborns and reach childhood. What prompts the change is having the three memories orbiting their head, it gives them the necessary traits they need to be completed. The consumption only starts when a fourth memory of any type is acquired, replacing the one on their head that was just eaten to give place to the fourth memory.

Quote:
I do not see the point of their modular and random nature. They constantly gather and consume a new triad of memories, switching out their personalities, abilities, and appearances, only to use these things in a non-sapient pantomime? Their only benefit is trading temporary attributes with each other?
Yes, their entire existence is intended to be theatrical and fake much like a dream or a illusion. Yes that's the clear benefit, but it's more of a consequence of their acting rather than something they intend to do, with most trades being hardly beneficial to one of the traders. It's essentially trading for trading sake.

Quote:
Ephemeral and dream-like things have their place, but what is the plot with these guys? You have a hook there with the possible extra stage, but if a group of them were encountered in Warcraft, what would they be besides generic things to kill? At least make them interesting things to kill.
Yes that's actually a good point. Well i will add this later but essentially the storages filled with items that they craft, and never use, can be filled with anything that has been observed being crafted from a hammer, gold bars or Ashbringers(assuming that someone watch Magni crafting it). That's the perspective of looting them. As hostile beings I need to give it further thought but I think I'll go with some of them simulating "bad" dreamers from bandits, pirates and cultists. I intended them to be a indirect product of Old God magic, but i should rephrase it better.

Quote:
The particular events that prompted their ability to harvest each type of dream are a bit odd. Why would pet battling and Jaina's fling resonate through the Emerald Dream so much?
I intended to be odd and a bit out-of-place. I used pet battling because I wanted to focus on the increasing attention by players/pet battlers on the abilities each pet. And with the huge variety of abilities pets have, those types of dream kept increasing until it culminated in the Dream-eaters subconsciously accepted it has norm.

The Jaina fling is in the part of acceptance of the general populace to affairs alien to them like that. As Jaina is a ruler, what she does becomes more acceptable to the populace. Since i don't know how "public" is Jaina and Kalec relationship is, i have gone with rumours spreading around.


Quote:
Silicate Dream-Eaters feels a little off, being a combination of a pedantic and pedestrian words. Might I suggest Silicate Spectravores instead? You can mess around some more with the etymology of words like hallucination, reverie, specter and whatnot if you like.
I don't like that name, but I think I'll do what you suggested.

Quote:
When you say they exist primarily in the Emerald Dream, it sounds as though it is the most common of multiple environments where populations can emerge and persist, but as I understand it you want them to be exclusively native to the Emerald Dream. Perhaps consider rewording that part of the Habitats section accordingly.
Yeah I will.

Quote:
I'd suggest replacing the "Biology" section with at least two others, one for "Physiology" and the other for "Life Cycle." Expand your description of the physical appearance and characteristics in the Physiology section, and consider merging it with the bit later on when you describe the function of the three crystals. Likewise, modify the Life Cycle section to incorporate your later descriptions of the habits apparent in each stage.
Hmm that's a great idea

Quote:
At the end of the Life Cycle section would be a good place to mention that the Green Dragons doubt the so-called 'Adult' stage is the final one in the creatures' development. From here you can lead into your final section, which I'd recommend renaming to something like "Origins" or "Ominous Implications." I don't get the impression that they're old enough as a species for the connotations associated with "History" to be appropriate. Here, I would advise you to weave in a few more hints as to the relation between the creatures and dragons, and what they have to do with the war, Deathwing, the Old Gods or whatever eldritch force brought them into being. You don't need to give everything away, but try to give the impression that one or more unified theory exists. Offer a bit of speculation as to what they are, what they want, where they came from, where they're going and so on.
Yeah, i'll rename it.

So more speculation it is.

Quote:
I wouldn't worry about the language too much. If English isn't your strongest language, or you are personally not the strongest writer, so be it. I don't think this project is a contest of prowess in the English language, but a creative exercise where content, more than form, is what matters.
Yeah but i want to improve my writing too. So any specific criticisms would be nice too
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:19 PM
Erthad Erthad is offline

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My biggest problem that i need to fix in general.
Your biggest problem is that you use "trough" in place of "though."
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:20 PM
Ashendant Ashendant is offline

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Your biggest problem is that you use "trough" in place of "though."
Ugh why i keep making that mistake.
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Old 12-03-2012, 07:10 PM
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About the name, both Archimedes and I saw the same problem, though we took it in opposite directions. What I called esoteric and poor, he called pedantic and pedestrian. The language has an uncommon phrase next to a common one. It doesn't flow, meaning you might have to change one side.

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Originally Posted by Ashendant View Post
My biggest problem that i need to fix in general.

Can you note some of the most obvious places?
It should be "what they are dreaming."

"as the dreamer resynchronize with their brains" is off. It should be "as the dreamer resynchronizes with their brains" or "as the dreamer will resynchronize with their brains". Though I'm not quite sure what that means, especially if the theft is harmless to the dreamer.

"the Sapient Being personality" should be "the sapient being's personality."

"distant it's dreamer." should be "distant from its dreamer" or "distant from the dreamer."

"and any long-term effect are providing nourishment." should be "and any long-term effects are providing nourishment." but I think you mean "and the only long-term effect is that it provides nourishment."

You need to pick a proper capitalization and a plural form for "dream-eater".

It should be "This type of memory" or "These memories".

Spaces come before parentheses.

"it's original." should be "its original."

"aspect" should be "appearance" or something. It has more aspects than just the appearance.

"full sapient beings" might be right. It depends on if you mean [fully sapient] [beings] or [full] [sapient beings]. The former sounds like they are increasing in sapience (which they appear to be, but are not), while the latter sounds like they were an not a complete being before (which is true, but not what the sentence is about).

I'm not sure if "sordid, and quite obvious, affair" is the right way to put it, but the grammar is right.

Quote:
They stop being newborns and reach childhood. What prompts the change is having the three memories orbiting their head, it gives them the necessary traits they need to be completed. The consumption only starts when a fourth memory of any type is acquired, replacing the one on their head that was just eaten to give place to the fourth memory.
That bit is "...they have no will of their own and instead move naturally to the whims of the Emerald Dream. That is until they find one of three memories required..." But now you say they need to stumble on all three, plus a fourth, to do anything.
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It'd be nice if they actually finally gave us things they cut or under utilized 10 years ago.
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Years.
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Old 12-07-2012, 10:14 PM
Shroombie Shroombie is offline

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So, today I got a tablet up and running. So the first thing I draw is this.


And now I need a back story. I see them as tropical pests that live on the tropical islands of the south seas, and that are occasionally kept as pets by the jungle trolls that live there. They're intelligent enough to hold a conversation with, but only by repeating words they've heard before.

Also, shitty quality pic is shitty. First time with a tablet, so cut me some slack.
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Old 12-08-2012, 10:50 PM
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They're intelligent enough to hold a conversation with, but only by repeating words they've heard before.
Like pretty much everyone? Might want to reword that.
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It'd be nice if they actually finally gave us things they cut or under utilized 10 years ago.
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Ten.

Years.
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:17 AM
Anansi Anansi is offline

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Like pretty much everyone? Might want to reword that.
Sapient people are also able to read and discern meaning and invent new words or conjugations as the situation demands by assuming an understanding of how those words work mechanically and structurally.
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:25 AM
Shroombie Shroombie is offline

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What I mean is that they can understand sentences, but they can't come up with them on their own, only repeat lines they've heard before.
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Old 12-28-2012, 08:45 PM
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Ashendant, you might want to clean up your entry now.
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It'd be nice if they actually finally gave us things they cut or under utilized 10 years ago.
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Ten.

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Old 01-02-2013, 04:42 PM
Ashendant Ashendant is offline

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Ashendant, you might want to clean up your entry now.
Sorry, it's done i'm just a bit demotivated... wanted to write another about marine race brought from the Abyssal Maw and enslaved by the naga.
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