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Old 12-12-2011, 08:40 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Default Scarlet Marrow

Scarlet Marrow
"...I gave up my childhood for him..."

(A SHORT story...)

Part 1

The young human woman stared at the trembling wooden form with steady, stalking eyes. Her fists clinched tightly beneath heavy plate armor as her breathing became ghostly silent. Though the softness in her features, the silky, shoulder length fawn-blond hair and flower-pink lips, would have made any man bend his knee, her eyes could have put arrows to shame. The wooden figure, cracked and barely tied together, stood trembling in her presence, as if a will possessed it only to be crushed in her oppressive vision.

The young woman shifted, causing her armor to clink ever so slightly, as her piercing blue eyes began to see far beyond the simple wood and rope target. The innocent wood began to rot and twist, until festering flesh on bone was all she could see. The shambling thing, gnarled, broken and near-melting in her sight managed to gurgle a weak moan as it began to lurch towards her imagining mind.

The young woman coolly smirked as she lunged forward with the speed of a feral frostsaber and brought her white-knuckled first to the imagined ghoul's jaw. the phantom creature's appendage flew across the room, receding as did her own mind's transformation.

The sound of cracking wood and swinging rope returned her to the present moment as the sound of footsteps slowly entered her ears. The young woman turned to see an older human dressed in fine red robes of his calling. The elder brought his hands together to quietly clap in the echoing space.

"Well done, Lilian. We'll have to repair that old thing again," the elder spoke with a shining pride in his vision.

"I did what you told me, father. I imagined it was one...one of THEM," the young woman, known to her fellow Scarlet soldiers as Lilian Voss, grimaced, face contorting as if she's bitten into a sour grape. The expression caused her high priest for a father to softly chuckle.

"Keep it up and you may be chosen for battle. My girl, slaying those disgusting abominations in the name of the light. What father wouldn't be proud?" High Priest Voss nearly beamed at the thought.

"Really father, you think I'm ready?" Lilian's deep blue eyes seemed to soften as her father's praise sweetly caught in her ears.

"Perhaps. I take it you've finished for today?"

"Yes sir. I completed my sword training this morning. I worked on basic level casting in place of lunch. I worked on shield use this afternoon, and I was just finishing my grappling and hand to hand practice when you came in," Lilian informed, back straightening as if in the presence of her superior officers. The High priest waved his hand, as if trying to ease her tense stance before motioning for his militant daughter to follow.

"Good, it is nearly time for prayers," High Priest Voss paused as he heard a small sound escape his daughter's lips. Lilian felt a slight flush come to her cheeks as her father cast her a questioning look.

"I-I attended prayers early this morning father. I knew I couldn't deny the light my attentions. Must I attend services this evening too? i was invited to spend time with my fellow inductees this evening and..." Lilian asked as thoughts of slipping away for a few moments with friends and fellow young officers brushed her naive mind. The High Priest's face grew stern, every wrinkle in his face forming into a terrifying look of anger and disgust.

"How dare you put aside your duties to the holy light for, for horseplay!"

"N-No sir, I would never!" Lilian desperately asserted. Though the fearsome warrior could easily crush all undead in her path, the old man before her seemed to render her armor and iron resolve as useless as the dusty air within their beloved Scarlet Monastery.

"Do you love the light above all things?"

"Yes! I do father, I do!"

"Then you will attend evening services, end of discussion. And as penance for your wandering heart, you will not be served meals tomorrow in fasting."

"Y-Yes sir," Lilian stifled a sigh. Though a day without meals would certainly be trying, Lilian cringed as she reached to touch the scarred remains of penances past. Lilian made no motion to escape as her father lead her through the blood-tinged halls towards one of the many praying areas. Both knelt beside open windows, cool air softening their heated moment, and pulled out tomes containing light-summoning incantations.

Father and daughter prayed until the night owls had long stopped their hunt and the wandering atrocities that plagued their sacred lands only begun their terrifying march towards the Scarlet Monastery grounds.
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  #2  
Old 01-02-2012, 03:47 PM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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Ah, Lillian Voss, one of the most well-loved characters to be introduced in Cata. She's also a cautionary tail about what happens when you use a reference character too much, especially when that reference is to something with which a large segment of the playerbase is unfamilliar. They gave her just enough of a background to pique everyone's interest, myself included. I therefore extend the official DarkAngel Seal of Approval to this project. :grin:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orifiel Whitedeer View Post
Though the softness in her features, the silky, shoulder length fawn-blond hair and flower-pink lips, would have made any man bend his knee, her eyes could have put arrows to shame.
This sentence has...issues. We have a series -- with multiple multi-adjectives -- contained inside a "despite ___, ___." construction. That's a lot of commas! If it was the series only, I would upgrade the list-commas to semicolons, but the overall sentence structure requires uninterrupted clauses.
Quote:
Though the softness in her features, the silky, shoulder-length, fawn-blond hair, and flower-pink lips, would have made any man bend his knee, her eyes could have put arrows to shame.
It just doesn't quite work. Great imagry, though!
  • ever so slightly as her piercing blue eyes Comma not needed.
  • the simple wood-and-rope target.
  • gnarled, broken, and near-melting in her sight
  • an older human dressed in the fine red robes of his calling.
  • "Keep it up, and you may
  • "Really, father, you think I'm ready?"
  • "Yes, sir.
  • grappling and hand-to-hand practice
  • The High Priest If you do one, you have to do the other.
  • time for prayers." High Priest Voss
  • early this morning, father.
  • deny the Light my attentions.
  • I was invited to spend time
  • duties to the Holy Light for- for horseplay!"
  • "N-No, sir, I would never!"
  • "Do you love the Light above all things?"
  • "Yes! I do, father, I do!"
  • "Then you will attend evening services. End of discussion. Tecnincally incorrect, but it sounds better.
  • "Y-Yes, sir." Lilian stifled a sigh.
  • tomes containing Light-invoking incantations. Given that "Light-ism" is a non-theistic faith, "summoning" it just sounded wrong.
  • stopped their hunt, and the wandering atrocities
  • sacred lands had begun their terrifying march

I like how this kicks off the story. My only real critisism is that the allusions to the Scarlets' fanatacism were a bit weak. Add in a confirmation that Lillian's penances were at the hands of her own father, and his status will be firmly in the "evil" catagory. Perhaps this or the next chapter should include an al-Qaida-style sermon.

We'll have see where this goes. Excellent work, as always.
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