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Old 04-03-2011, 04:07 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Default Coldnose, Champion of the Frozen Treats

Coldnose, Champion of the Frozen Treats
A cheap comedic knock off of "All I ever wanted to do was study"

~*~

So there I was, minding my own business when, in a flash, I was taken. I'm not really sure how it happened exactly. One minute I'm sniffing a really interesting shrubbery that I'm positive was used by at least 5 diabetic wolves and 3 bears with an iron deficiency in my humble home of Silverpine Forest. The next thing I know everything goes white. I start to hear a strange, disembodied voice. He starts to tell me some story about how I was a brave and noble warrior who valiantly fell in battle against the terrible scourge...although I'm fairly certain I was just licking myself in a clearing somewhere waiting for an adventurer to mangle and or be mangled by and then subsequently looted. But anyway, the voice goes on as I see the inside of a far away church, then the scene shifts again to a flying shoebox in the sky. The shoebox is covered in skulls and smells like something I ate last week and then puke up this morning. I was naked, with only a small loincloth to cover my shame, but as the nice man with the soothing voice continued to talk, my lupine persona became draped in a kick-ass ensemble of black robes and a huge sword. I also notice that my non-discript form becomes strikingly female...I could DEFINITELY get used to this! Though I'm not sure what my name was before, or if I ever even had one, words appear above my head. "Coldnose" as some strange otherworldy being has dubbed me, was born! Or...unborn, I'm not too sure which.

So as the voice shrinks into the background, I decide to investigate the smelly shoebox for a while. One towering figure stands taller than all others. He's wearing hulking armor and smells like a bone pile. I couldn't quite catch what the others were calling him, so I just call him "The Bone King." He's calling to me and, strangely, its not my canine inclination that propels me to him. I assume he's some kind of alpha dog, as all the other little stinky things inside the shoebox seemed to be under his frosty thumb. He asks my to help the rest of the pack exterminate some vermin, which isn't too hard for someone like me. I wasn't too sure who exactly we were fighting since, all anyone kept telling me was "kill the ones in red!" Well that's all well and good if you can actually SEE red. So I just kind of stumble into a big old field and start hacking away. I'm not really sure what I'm doing but all of my hacks and swings seem automatic. I just kinda hit it and it falls over in a swing or two so I'm not complaining. I must be doing well because each time someone tells me to go fetch something and bring it back they give me an awesome treat in the form of a fancy new set of leg plates or boots or something. I do notice that my feet always seem to poke out of the bottoms of my boots. I think the people in the shoebox are getting ripped off, or they're too cheap to buy nice shoes for their frozen undead zombie werewolves. I mean, when I sold my old ones, they only went for about two copper. TWO COPPER. What are they made out of old newspaper?

In my mayhem, I come across someone else with frosty blue eyes and cool but crappily made armor. He's tall, blue, hoofy, and killing all of the people I needed for another mission. I run up to him and ask if we should team up but he just kind of ignores me. So I roar at him with bestial vigor, but to my surprise it does little to stop him from lobbing off another human head. I try to beat him to the humans but for some strange reason he always gets there first. I feel a gauntlet-clad hand tap my shoulder and I turn to find another dark-clad knight. He wordlessly smiles to me with large tusks coming out of his green mouth, as I don't think he spoke wolfish, and motioned for me to follow him. He lead me inside an inn where, to my delight, no less than 20 little rat-people were hiding. Needless to day, thanks to my green friend, I was able to haul no less than 100 skulls to another rather tall man the Bone King called "Noth." He seemed rather happy to have his cooking pot filled with people skulls but I myself prefer leg meat. Err anyway, so me and the green one get a little time to ourselves and I find out, get this, the guy can speak wolf-talk and is something called an "orc". He used to be a warrior and for some odd reason, he too got the weird flash of light, soothing voice man and etc. He says his name is "Steve". Yes, Steve. Apparently that Warchief thingie wasn't the only one raised by humans. He says he would have been my enemy before but we're "both children of the forgotten dead, angst angst angst" and etc. Apparently, while I was running around in the forest, other creatures like me joined the alliance (his enemies in life). I of course don't really remember that ever happening but what do I know, as of about 5 minutes ago I was sitting in the woods (in one spot mind you) and sniffing my own butt. So me and Steve continue fetching things for the Bone King and after a while we get to leave the shoebox with a bunch of other really tall people (must have eaten their gortusk liver pies as children) for a what's shaping up to be a real scrap. What's even more awesome as at one point I got this magic eeevil magic horse that appears when I use my mind powers. Steve has one too, it must be standard issue. I completely forgot about it until this very moment but I kinda didn't wanna run in there all willy-nilly while everyone else was riding in on doom-horsies. So here we are, hanging out while our leaders just...kind of stand there and await a battle that should be quite epic, or at least be a reference to something epic.
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:23 PM
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A good start to what should turn out to be an epic tail. (see what i did there)
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Old 04-04-2011, 03:40 PM
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Bolvar approves.
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Old 04-05-2011, 07:08 AM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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...well THAT didn't go well at all. You'd think with over 10,000 minions the Bone King's forces would have squished the people at the church. But no, the big, rolled up newspaper that our leader used seemed to wanna hit him over the head instead of the paladin guy. At one point the Bone King even showed up and I was all like "YAY!" my tail so would have been wagging if I had one. But in the end, our leader tossed the rolled up newspaper, called the...the "Ass-wringer" yeah that was it. He tossed Ass-wringer to the paladin guy and that's when things got really crazy. He leaped into the air and with a loud "Tsst" noise, whacked the Bone King over the head with the Ass-wringer and the Bone King ran back away with his tail between his legs.

So after that the Paladin guy and our leader, shook hands said "good game" and the next thing I know, me and Steve are on clean up duty. Everything inside the shoebox was going back-shit crazy. I have to admit, tearing them to little bits was kind of fun. Once we were done making cat food out of the undead thingies our leader patted us on on the head and told us we were good death knights (not literally but that would have been SO awesome) but sadly informed us that we were not enemies.

"Why are we enemies, what about the undead zombie children of the damned angst?" I asked. Our leader shook his head.

"I don't know why, but that's just how it is." He replied.

"But we're standing here, and I don't want to rip his tonsils out." I offered.

"And I have no desire to hack her in half." Steve added. The sentiment was much appreciated. Our leader sighed.

"While you are here you will be civil. But he is an orc and you are a worgen. As such, when you step into the world you will forever be enemies. I didn't create the world." He gruffly said. There it is again: the whole alliance thing. I don't remember signing up for that! But in the end, Steve and I would travel through different dimensional doggie doors.
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Old 04-05-2011, 01:00 PM
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Awww... orc/worgen dk love...

It's almost like Arthas came along and resurrected Romeo and Juliet...
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:24 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Awww... orc/worgen dk love...

It's almost like Arthas came along and resurrected Romeo and Juliet...

I hope not, that would make for some "do I actually want?" pron images D:
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:38 PM
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If I've been strangely silent on this, it's because I've found nothing to not like! That's not to say this is better than your main work, just that there are no glaring grammar errors. That, and I ignore continuity concerns in comedic tales.

I'm glad to see your instinct for proper pacing isn't lost under heavy gag density. And, dogs are funny with how stupid they are!
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:31 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Dark - thanks, I'm actually writing this in the actual forum so there is only a spell check and no auto correct. Maybe I should write SDS here instead and just copy paste it over to a word document after?

---

So these Stormwind people...TOTALLY AWESOME. I ride up to their front gate and stuff and not only do they submit instantly to my awesomeness (I think a few even ran away screaming) but they even throw some snacks at me. Lets see here I got some moldy lettuce, rotting tomato, stinky cheese...hell I think I may have enough for lunch. After wandering around the canals for a while (because you know, people were so in awe that they can't even talk to me) I finally make my way to the keep. I notice a ton of well armored people, so I can only assume their is either where they stockpile their shiny things or their leader lives here. Sure enough, I mean old snarly face meets me as hand over a letter from the paladin guy. He tells me I only have a few minutes to live, but somehow I get the feeling that this guy doesn't control that. He quickly reads the paper and informs me that through its magical words, he's going to spare my life, or unlife. I should probably figure that out at some point.

He then takes a deep breath and proceeds to shout, so loudly, that everyone in the city can hear him. The man has talent, what can I say? As I grip my ears in agony over the sheer magnitude of his voice, I wonder if poor Steve got a similar reception. Either way, once the shouting was over, I was free to go, and go I did. I'm heading back down the road I came now and I eventually find my way to the Trade District. Lots of interesting shops there, armor and auctioneers and such. I manage to find a groomer and after a few quick snips with the old scissors and this worgen was looking hot! Coolest thing ever. I even got some kind of funky award for doing it too, although between you and me, I think the groomers just give that to any first time customer. I swore I saw a stack of them sitting on a shelf on my way out.

As I make my way towards the main foyer area I notice a large, decorated call board. I look to see if there are any parties in town or if anyone had anything interesting for sale when I see it. A hero's call: To Northrend. I want to go but unfortunately, I become painfully aware that with my life experiences (licking bum, sniffing things, sudden but violent shift to killing unarmed people in paper armor) I can't go just yet. But I DO see a slightly hidden notice that they were still taking people like me for their expeditions to Outland (must be desperate for the help). So I take a little paper tab at the bottom of the listing, head over to the griffin flight deck, and purchase a one way ticket to Nethergard keep.
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:28 PM
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Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Quote:
Sure enough, I mean old snarly face meets me as hand over a letter from the paladin guy.
Huh? Maybe I'm reading more closely now or something. In life, I've found that everything looks better if you don't look too close. Don't take it personally, of course. Any story that brings a smile to my face is a good one.
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Old 04-10-2011, 02:25 AM
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I really enjoy what you've got going here. I am a big fan of All I Ever Wanted to Do Was Study, and I think that this is a great continuation of that genre.

I have to give great credit to any writer, doubly so for a comedic writer. Nice job, and I can't wait for more.
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Old 04-24-2011, 11:38 AM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Well THAT sucked. "Hey newbie, go kill these things, collect these things, kill these OTHER things..." What they hell do they think I am, a fel orc weed-whacker? So I just take took it all with a toothy grin as red zone gave way to blue zone, then green then purple (I didn't even BOTHER with the one at the bottom, smelled like a devil's ashtray down there.) At the very least i got some better armor out of it, but that didn't happen until I met some goblins in the purple place.

Not I'm on a boat headed for Northrend, whoopie-doo. I've heard from fellow illustrious Alliance peeps that this place is where all the action is. All the best and brightest make their way here to face off against the frosty bone people, tall frosty bone people, bug people, and flying lizards. Although I have heard rumors that one big flying lizard (someone lit it on fire at some point) has been trolling the old world for a while and in fact all the BEST and brightest are actually going to fight it and its minions...but I digress.

So my boat finally parks itself out front of Valiance Keep, no greater hive of bads and noobitry I'm sure...so I get off and get in line. I hear the guy behind the table bark: "NEXT!" he doesn't sound too pleased with the string of scrappy looking folks ahead of me. They don't have my awesome miss-matched armor of green and purple...and red and yellow and polkadots...

So I finally get to the front of the line. Surely the man behind the table could recognize Coldnose: Slayer of fel orcs, Breaker of the dread ramparts, picker of exotic mushrooms. He barked the words "Name and profession" at me. My shoulders sink just a little.

"Coldnose, Knight of Acherus."

"Ok...Coldnose...deathtard."

"What was that?"

"Death knight. I suppose we could use ANOTHER one for something. Report to the keep, if you feel like it." He sighed and pointed me towards the keep before barking "NEXT!" again. This is going to be another LONG continent...
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Old 04-24-2011, 08:34 PM
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I love this story so much it should probably be wearing protection.
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Old 04-25-2011, 03:55 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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I love this story so much it should probably be wearing protection.
Lolz. If you come to US-Stormrage, I'll let you dance with her
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:14 PM
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Lolz. If you come to US-Stormrage, I'll let you dance with her
Goldshire roleplay incoming.
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:19 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Goldshire roleplay incoming.
naw its all nubs and buttholes dueling.
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:21 PM
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naw its all nubs and buttholes dueling.
That's what its like on every realm, but there's always SOMEONE who tries to "roleplay" in one of the rooms upstairs, not fully aware that anyone standing within 20 yards of the inn can hear it.
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:36 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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...that is just sad. xD hell if you did make your mage on SR we could have a CROSSOVER SDS or CNCOTFT, your choice.
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:39 PM
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...that is just sad. xD hell if you did make your mage on SR we could have a CROSSOVER SDS or CNCOTFT, your choice.
Yeah, but I'm the GM of my guild on Terokkar... and I like my heirloom lewts and my lvl 12 xp/rep bonus....
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:47 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Yeah, but I'm the GM of my guild on Terokkar... and I like my heirloom lewts and my lvl 12 xp/rep bonus....
There can be more than one Shcasdfjkdfjh (can't spell his name) in the world its just a time paradox, yeah blame Hollus its his fault xD. and my guild is what level 16 now? Yeah 16 going on 17.
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:02 PM
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There can be more than one Shcasdfjkdfjh (can't spell his name) in the world its just a time paradox, yeah blame Hollus its his fault xD. and my guild is what level 16 now? Yeah 16 going on 17.
You don't understand... leveling is slooowww for me.

Leveling a clothie is downright painful.
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:05 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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You don't understand... leveling is slooowww for me.

Leveling a clothie is downright painful.
So level his kick ass wife instead let me see...

Daggerfang is level 16...

Seth is 24...

you has options
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:48 PM
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Or you could level a toon on Terokkar.

We have cookies.
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:16 PM
Orifiel Whitedeer Orifiel Whitedeer is offline

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Or you could level a toon on Terokkar.

We have cookies.
But...but...I has a full server on storm rage, full of moneys XD and pugging raids all over the place. (Check out Orifiel on armory D
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:21 PM
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But...but...I has a full server on storm rage, full of moneys XD and pugging raids all over the place. (Check out Orifiel on armory D
Yeah, my server is weak. You'd be the most awesome person on there.

Also, I apologize in advance... I think I'm in trouble when you read the other thread.
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:31 PM
Exxile87 Exxile87 is offline

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He's trying to pimp you to Cantus.
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