Fellow SoLers, I want to share with you my first fan fic short story written in English. It was inspired by the lore of three Heroes skins (which I won't reveal here to not spoil the story), and by one of the final scenes in The Sundering -as I wanted to remain true to the sources-.

I ask for your most honest feedback -specially on grammar- before publishing it in my RP blog. Of course, your help will be credited!

May you enjoy it!


Standing over a pulpit-like stone, an armored night elf of round features and pale, violet skin presided over a circled reunion. His slanted eyes probed the elves to his right: nobles, Highborne and priestesses – all of them representing the remains of an empire that no longer existed. Broken and humiliated, the kaldorei had been forever changed by the so called War of the Ancients.

In front of the elves, there were three creatures. They were the leaders of tribes, clans and packs that had fought side by side with the night elves against the demonic host known as the Burning Legion. One was a squat but muscular stony figure whose skin appeared to be made of grey granite. Another was a four-fingered, bearlike thing that only wore a loincloth and a necklace made of claws. Between the former two stood a gargantuan, bull-headed being wielding a massive spear with an end that resembled a raptor’s beak.

The dour gathering seemed uncomfortable and anxious. A simple observer might had thought the attendees’ unease was rooted in their cultural and racial differences – in such tight space, tensions between the civilized Starborne and the barbaric people were expectable. But between them, brothers and sisters in arms, those prejudices had been forgotten: they had all contributed to save their world, or whatever remained of it.

Suddenly, a dread figure entered the cave and all of them –elves, tauren, Earthen and furbolg– felt a sudden chill along their spines.

The man –a kaldorei– was being prodded along by four soldiers, his mouth wrapped shut with a cloth. Both his arms and hands were kept behind him by metal bonds; a mere gesture was impossible. Spells of all magical origins –yet invisible to the untarined eye– had been cast to ensure the one on trial would not be able to perform sorcery. Despite his scarved eyes, the prisoner didn’t show any difficulty to move.

When the being stood at the center of the circle his accusers had formed, he stared arrogantly at the presiding officer before him. One of the soldiers cautiously removed the gag.

“Malfurion Stormrage,” began the general. “Many are the times you fought valiantly alongside others against the evil encroaching on our world, but, sadly, too many are the times you’ve proven yourself a danger to your own people!”

“You cannot be serious, Jarod!” Furion’s face contorted and his green-glowing eyes sparkled behind the veil that covered them. “I am the only one who sees honestly! I was planning for our future! I was saving our race! I—”

“Attacked those who disagreed with you—slaying many—and recreated what should have been best forgotten!”

Malfurion spat at Jarod’s feet. “You will all be praying to me as if I were a god when the demons return! I know how they think, how they act! Next time, they won’t be cast out! You’ll need to fight them as they fight! Only I have that knowledge—”

“Such knowledge, we’re better without.” Jarod looked around, as if seeking someone among the ones gathered there. When he apparently did not find that person, the kaldorei ruler sighed and continued, “Malfurion Stormrage, as it falls to me, I can think of only one thing to do with you. It pains me deeply, but I hereby declare that you shall be put to death—”

“How original...” sneered the sorcerer.

“Put to death in a manner—”

“Jarod… forgive me for being late,” interrupted a figure behind Malfurion. “May I still speak?”

The armored night elf nodded almost gratefully. “This is yours to decide as much as it’s mine.”
Illidan walked around his brother. Furion’s face followed him as the druid stepped between the sorcerer and the general. They had mirrored each other once, but the war had changed them and their destinies forever.

“I’m sorry, Malfurion,” said Illidan.

“Ha!”

“What is it you want to say, Illidan?” urged Jarod.

“There is some truth in what my brother says about the Burning Legion, Jarod. They may come again.”

“And you want us therefore to forget his crimes and his danger?”

The bearded druid shook his head. “No.” He glanced at his twin, then briefly at one of the presents – the younger priestess, her dusky blue hair held in place by a silver tiara. Their crossed sights hinted a close link between them.

“No, Jarod,” Illidan repeated, steeling himself. “No. I want you to imprison him… even if it means he stays so for ten thousand years… if necessary…”

As the rest of the assembly suddenly broke out into startled muttering, Illidan closed his golden, amber eyes and tried to calm himself down. The tauren representative, however, repeatedly stomp the floor with his left hoof trying to stop the increasing murmurs.

Among the voices, one became prominent without yelling. “You plead for the Betrayer’s life, Master Stormrage, and for him to be confined until the day a grim situation dictates otherwise,” said a pale and athletic Highborne of auburn hair. “Yet who among us will be capable of stand vigilant over Malfurion... for possibly an eternity? Who will accept such heavy burden, may I ask?”

”I will.”

Everyone, even Illidan, turned to the blue-haired priestess, a slim yet well-curved beauty clad in silver ceremonial garments.

“But... you are the Hand of Elune, Tyrande! You are Her High Priestess!” questioned the other priestess by her side, whose severe expression gave away to incredulity. “The Sisterhood needs your leadership more than ever! You have dut-... ”

“I am fully aware of my duties, Sister Shadowsong. But the Goddess revealed me something a few days ago,” a faint moonlight glow surrounded her. ”Malfurion has another part to play in this world’s destiny! He will be needed someday, and he must remain alive until then. That’s why I suggested Illidan that his brother shouldn’t be executed, but kept in custody.”

The druid’s expression, while giving credence to the priestess’ explanation, still showed a surprised reaction to her self-appointment as Furion’s jailor.

“However, that wasn’t the only truth She provided! There was also... an acknowledgment, a confirmation of something that I have always felt in my very guts,” Tyrande crossed sights with the prisoner. “My fate and Malfurion’s are bound... and as destiny commands he must live, I will watch over him, even if he remains imprisoned for thousands of years!”

As her shocked audience tried to process her words, the leader of the Moon clergy set her glittering eyes on Maiev’s.

“Sister Shadowsong... Maiev,” said Tyrande. ”Now that you know Her Truths, there is one more thing I must do before acting Elune’s will.” The blue-haired woman placed her fingers around her head and gently removed her tiara, adorned with a crescent-shaped blue sapphire. “I have chosen you as my successor.”

Under her mistress silver-glowing sight, Maiev knelt in silence. All turned to Jarod’s sister – all, except Illidan, who couldn’t manage to hide his sadness and sense of betrayal.

“In the name of the Mother Moon, great Elune who watches over all, I give you my personal blessing.” Tyrande placed the diadem on Maiev’s head, and the latter was slowly covered by soft, pure moonlight. “Now, before you arise as the High Priestess of the Goddess, recite the words...”

“Faith is the beginning of all things. –‘“

“’For when darkness blinded us in the beginning, –” continued Tyrande.

“We cried for guidance and the Moon shone bright upon us.” ended the proud, new leader of the Sisters of Elune.

Immediately, Maiev’s former mistress knelt and the high priestess placed her hand over Tyrande’s head, murmuring a plea to Elune. After that, the now simple clerk moved to the center of the assembly, between the prisoner and the chief accuser.

On his pulpit, Jarod Shadowsong looked into Tyrande’s eyes, and whatever he saw there erased any trace of opposition and doubt that he had on his face.

“If it is Her Will, then there is nothing more to say on the matter,” the general took a deep breath and then sighed. “As it falls to me, I hereby declare that Malfurion Stormrage, betrayer of this world and all who live in it, shall be imprisoned permanently, until the circumstances dictate otherwise.”

Jarod paused to briefly glance at Illidan, overwhelmed by the sadness. The shan’do seemed to have retreated into himself, no longer being actually in that cave. Malfurion, in the other hand, seemed to somehow rejoice on his twin suffering.

“I also declare that Tyrande Whisperwind, Sister of Elune, shall watch over the prisoner for the duration of his penance. From now on, she shall be known as the Warden –”

While Furion expression revealed a twisted joy, the blue-haired elf stared at Jarod, her eyes burning with determination.

“And now her watch begins.”

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Gonna have a read now!

So... did you like it? Any suggestions?

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Will try to have something constructive typed up tomorrow after I've had some sleep, was just trying to give this thread a quick bump because the Fan Works board here doesn't get much traffic.

Thanks, Shaman, and have sweet dreams!

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I should preface this by saying I don't know what I'm talking about and these notes might be useful or accurate or even grammatically correct, but here goes. I'll quote the phrase in italics then write a suggestion or question beside it. Also I know nothing about night elf history so a lot of the references might be above my head. Anywho:

• pulpit-like stone =Pulpit of stone sounds better. Maybe describe the environment more in this first paragraph because this is the first thing the reader tries to imagine in there head. Where is this place? What does it look like?
  
• round features = what does this mean when describing a night elf? is he fat?
  
• so called = what is so called about WotA? also its so-called not so called I think
  
• three creatures = sounds weird. three creatures could be describing any race in WoW. what creatures?
  
• bearlike thing = never say the word thing when describing something. what is it? describe the thing
  
• bull-headed being = 'being' sounds really vague. describe the being
  
• Starborne = who are these people?
  
• whatever remained of it. = what remained of it might might sound better
  
• dread figure = what is dreadful about this figure?
  
• When the being = being sounds vague when describing something. what is this being?
  
• “Many are the times you fought valiantly alongside others against the evil encroaching on our world = Maybe restructure this sentence. Something like W
  
• the sorcerer. = Who is the sorcerer here? Malfurion?
  
• “I am the only one who sees honestly! I was planning for our future! I was saving our race! I—” = does Malfurion normally talk like this in the books and games? I don't know I know nothing about his personality
  
• The armored night elf = sounds kinda vague. what does the armor look like?
  
• “No, Jarod,” Illidan repeated = 'repeated' sounds unnecessary. the reader already knows that Illidan has just said no twice because they've just read it.
  
• repeatedly = maybe change repeatedly for some kind of description of what this sounds like. a lot of tauren stomping their hooves down are going make a noise
  
• “You plead for the Betrayer’s life, Master Stormrage =Maybe turn this into a question? 'You plead for the Betrayer's life, Master Stormrage? And for HIM....'
  
• The druid’s expression, while giving credence to the priestess’ explanation... = I think definitely change the wording of this description of the druid's surprised reaction. Sounds too scholarly, you're saying why the druid was surprised but not how.
  
• revealed me something = revealed to me
  
• very guts = plural? And would Tyrande really use the word guts in a sentence?
  
• As her shocked audience = Maybe describe the shock of the audience here. who is in the audience? what are they doing? there's a whole bunch of different races and tribes gathered here at this scene so you should totally exploit that
  
• diadem = I had to look up what a diadem is there, its an obscure noun
  
• Immediately, = I think you could lose the comma here. It interrupts the flow of the scene
  
• “If it is Her Will, then there is nothing more to say on the matter,” the general took a deep breath and then sighed. = Maybe turn this line into a question?
  
• ,betrayer of this world and all who live in it, = maybe instead say 'who has betrayed the world and those who live in it..."?
  
• until the circumstances dictate otherwise.” =Anticlimatic way for the general to end that sentence. Malfrurion you will be imprisoned forever...until we can't anymore! Sounds weird, maybe rephrase this
  
• briefly glance = all glances are brief. Maybe say 'Jarod paused to glance at Illidan, who was overwhelmed by the sadness.' or something like that?
  
• Illidan, overwhelmed by the sadness. = Also try to explain more how he looks sad not why he looks sad. You want the reader to build up an image in their head of what this event looks like.
  
• “I also declare that Tyrande Whisperwind, = "I declare also that Tyrande Whisperwind..." might sound better
  
• While Furion expression = Should read "While Furion's expression revealed..." but I would lose this sentence entirely because you want to describe the expression not just say he has an expression.
  
• blue-haired elf = just saying 'blue' is a bit too vague for describing a color in a story. what shade of blue is her hair? why are you describing their hair? and who has this blue hair?
  
• “And now her watch begins.” = Was this an intentional reference to the A Song of Ice and Fire books? That's what the Night's Watch say in Game of Thrones.
  

Those are just some rough specific notes from reading and I'll try to write something more general written tomorrow, but feel free to discard or ignore as many of these bullet points here as you want because there's bound to be some bad advice and typos in my wall of text here.

Thanks for the suggestion! I think that yes, I should describe the cave. Even if I go on with the description in other paragraph (as I don't want to overload the first paragraph with descriptions and descriptions). About the location, it is said in the next paragraphs that it is under Hyjal's roots.

[*]so called = what is so called about WotA? also its so-called not so called I think
[*]three creatures = sounds weird. three creatures could be describing any race in WoW. what creatures?[/LIST][/QUOTE]

This are all terms that Knaak used on the novels to describe the characters. In the case of the tauren, furbolg and Earthen representative, I tried not to waste to much time describing them beyond the basics - they are not so relevant to the story. But I figured I had not described the night elves either (who are far more relevant), so that's a thing I'll change: better description of the night elves.

Is the official translation of kaldorei, along with "Children of the Star". Just a synonym in order to repeat kaldorei and night elf so many times.

+1

In the paragraph right above this, it is said the "being" is a kaldorei. I saw it a neutral noun in order to avoid repetion and keep mystery, before revealing it is Malfurion.

It is one of the dialogues Knaak uses on the WotA. And I felt that I shouldn't change those dialogues too much.

Yea, it is Furion. I think I'll mention that earlier to avoid confusion.

It it Illidan who said that. But since in this alternate timeline Mal's the evil twin, I felt appropiate that they switched manners of speech.

I felt that it wasn't so relevant, but maybe I can describe it on the first paragraphs.

+1

It is only one tauren. But I'll consider this; not so sure about it.

I'll consider it. it might work better.

You're right. It will be difficult, though.

+1

Yeah, I had the same doubt when writting it. Maybe "very heart" or "very soul" could be more... Tyrande-ish.

Possibly. I didn't want to break the momentum, but maybe I went to quickly to the finale - I'll try a description here.

I searched for synonyms and I liked the sound of it. I'll decide if I keep it or change it for a less obscure noun.

+1

+1 I already have a new line in mind, thanks.

+1

You're right. Maybe I'll skip that part completely.

+1

+1

+1

+1

In a previous paragraph I said that the shade was "dusky". I didn't want to repeat the same expression again... maybe I should say "blue as dusk"?

Lol. Completely unintentional, but I really like the sound of it. That's it break the immersion of the story?

Thank you very much!

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Have you tried blocking the story? Its an idea they tried to teach us years ago in drama class so sorry if I don't explain this well. Its a technique that can be useful for stories/scenes/whatever that take place at only one location. Basically the idea is to collect all of the dialogue and then remove all other text, so you're only left with a skeleton of what the characters say. Then read it again, and try to imagine every single detail in your head. Think of it like a script to a movie or television show. As if you're a director that wants to make the story your wrote and you need to give instructions on what everything should look like.

Does it flow like a real conversation people would have? What words do characters emphasize when they speak? What sentences sound weird? Do characters react to what they are hearing? Where is everyone standing exactly? Does anyone move or change position after they say something? What does your set look like? How many people are there exactly? What is the weather like and what sounds can you hear? Where is the source of light or is it dark? What do your actors look like?

Ask yourself as many questions like that as you can. The dialogue is a good place to get right first in any story because that's where most of the drama comes from in a scene. By going through each word and line that characters say, and trying to imagine what everything looks like if you were really there to see it, it then becomes easier to describe everything else. The more you can imagine yourself the easier anything is to write.

I'm not sure if any of what I said here was actually helpful. Its been useful for me at least if I'm trying to imagine something and then write it, but maybe not.

You know, was going to do that thing I used to do around here, but had to put it off due to real-life issues -- and then Shaman beat me to the punch. Now, I don't really know what to say. It may be best to focus on stylistic concerns, as it looks like he/she/it already hit the English issues. However, you should be commended for having the courage to write a work of fiction in another language. I daresay your grasp of the language is at least as good as some native speakers in less literate parts of the country (read: a few streets over).

The first thing that comes to mind is that you might want to spend a bit more time setting the scene before anything happens. In particular, I wonder about the mood of the crowd. Are they bedraggled, sullen refugees? Are they calling for the Betrayer's head on a spike? If Jarod is the perspective character (and if this is an opening or only scene), he should almost certainly attempt to predict how the announcement will be received by reading the major players in the room -- which, incidentally, gives you a chance to identify and characterize them.

Actually, who is the perspective character here? Jarod? Malfurion? An omniscient narrator? I feel like I'm getting parts of everything. Also, there's a lot of "telling not showing" going on here. Does the audience need to be told the Burning Legion is an army of demons? For readers already familiar with the WarCraft setting, this information is annoyingly redundant. For new readers, NOT dropping up-front explanations helps to draw them in. People want details, not history lessons.

I will confess to not reading Knaak's version of events, but I was under the impression that the non-Kaldorei factions were no longer with the Night Elves by this phase of the story. I could be wrong on that... However, having the important dignitaries "on his right," followed by Malfurion being brought into "a circle of his accusers," creates some confusion about the layout of the room.

You know, it might actually be more interesting to highlight ways that Betrayer Malfurion is different from the Betrayer Illidan that we know. Reversing the brothers' personalities along with their fates is, for lack of a better word, boring.

And, despite trying not to, I lapsed into nitpicking anyway. It was actually kind of fun to keep thinking, "Hey, that's right! They do say it that way in Spanish!"

• "only wore a loincloth" -> "wore only a loincloth" Don't ask me why, but this reversed construction is preferred in this case.
• "one of the presents" -> "one of those present" In English, a person is never a present (except in cases of slavery).
• repeatedly stomp the floor -> stomped
• something a few days ago.” A faint moonlight glow surrounded her.
• That’s why I suggested to Illidan that
• felt in my very guts,” A "gut feeling" is more of a slang term. A more "proper" character (read: an elf) would be more likely to say "feel it in my bones."
• the now simple clerk moved cleric?
• Malfurion, on the other hand, seemed

This is funny because I stumbled across exactly this technique on my own. Any time there's a long conversation in one of my stories, you can bet it started with this "dialogue first" method. You could say that, as a highly visual thinker, everything I do starts as a movie.

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Every ending is but a new beginning.

Well, thank you. I'm always aiming to perfect my English! Writting fiction might serve as an exercise.

I'm working on this!

The perspective character is an outsider, but not an omniscient third person narrator. My RP blog is conceptualized as the journal of a mage who can see glimpses of alternate timelines, and then writes down what he sees. I tried hard to not put any internal thought of the characters, but what they were doing or seemed to be doing/feeling.

The non-kaldorei were present in the trial, but only Jarod spoke in that trial. As for the confusion with "on his right" and "a circle of his accusers", I pictured that the representatives formed a circle in the middle of the cave, with Jarod on the pulpit and the others to his right or left (but always forming a circle).

You are right! I have to change some of the brothers' dialogues - as I can't show their thoughts, I'll have to do with their speech patterns.

Very helpful, DarkAngel!

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Ah. That changes things a bit. Having no knowledge of other blog entries, you might better suggest this idea with some sort of lead-in about "my vision." Maybe have some line about "I was very confused but kept watching."

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Every ending is but a new beginning.

While I planned an entry to introduce the readers to the artifact the narrator uses to glimpse the timelines, I never actually thought of including things like the line you suggested. It is really weird to have forgotten about that, as this and future stories are supposed to be journal entries. So, thanks again!

Though I don't want to use this glimpses to explore the narrator's psiquis - I want him to merely describe what she sees.

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